Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Book of Love

My heart is like an open book when it comes to you, I never thought any of my dreams would come true when it comes to you, now that I have you I don't know what better to do but tell you I love you, each and every day that I think of you, which is nonstop twenty-four seven my book of love to you is always open like a seven-eleven , in my book it begins with I love you and ends in I will always love you, so many pages so much love and it all goes out to you, you flow like a river in my brain, your always running through my head, no end in sight not from what I see, through the good and the bad there will always be love, I don't know what better to do but to show you love, this love I have for you is strong as steel, unbreakable like a diamond it will never shatter, my love is as strong as a bull, and this is no bs I am speaking, forever I love you girl, you rock my world-SnackzStar

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is from when I first started out so any thing changes you think could be made your help will be appreciated.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is prose, not poetry, and I'm very sorry to say that even though is reeks of sincerity it is totally cliched and lacks an original thought.

That's me being a bastard. You have a skill with words and you could use them better. Read the great poets (they won't brainwah you) and write poetry.

I look forward to your next attempt and please don't let me discourage you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

This is really good first poem.
With some tweaking and editing this can be a masterpiece. Me and others are here to help you with constructive criticism. We look forward to helping you become the best poet you can be and we look forward to you reading others here poems and critiquing theirs also.

My first critique for you is on structure. It makes reading it more appealing to your readers I didn't change anything I just divided it in poetic format for you. If you want more help send me a private message from your profile page

Being you are new here I will help you around the site.. You are already off to a good start.

My heart is like an open book
when it comes to you,
I never thought any of my dreams would come true
when it comes to you,

now that I have you
I don't know what better to do but
tell you I love you,
each and every day that I think of you,

which is nonstop twenty-four seven
my book of love to you is always open like a seven-eleven,
in my book it begins with I love you and
ends in I will always love you,

so many pages so much love and
it all goes out to you,
you flow like a river in my brain,
your always running through my head,

no end in sight
not from what I see,
through the good and the bad
there will always be love,

I don't know what better to do but
to show you love,
this love I have for you is strong as steel, unbreakable
like a diamond it will never shatter,

my love is as strong as a bull, and
this is no bs I am speaking, forever
I love you girl,
you rock my world-SnackzStar

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

There are so many love poem. We must find a unique style to write one that not cliche. It does though start with cliche then we dress it up with editing and reading other love poem for ideas that work. Then make them our own by injecting our personalities into it . Do your thing

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop*
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
~American Renga~
Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc
~ Renga ~
Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga
All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

I must agree with Weirdelf, when he says that this is almost completely cliche.
Writing love poetry is perhaps the most difficult exercise in writing poetry that one can attempt, because it has been done so MANY times in so MANY ways! I write some myself, and believe me, its difficult to do without waxing poetic with every cliche in the book.
I also agree with Barb, that this is a good first effort.
If I were you, I would read this aloud to yourself, and wherever you find a pause or a drawn breath as you speak, make that the end of a line in your poem, and continue on a new one. You'll find, when you do this, that your poem develops a rhythm, a cadence, that will make it easier to feel, understand, and read. It will also accentuate whatever emotions you are trying to convey.
Look carefully at what Barb did when editing your poem. She's good at it, and she's worth listening to.
Listen carefully to Jess (Weirdelf) too. He knows his stuff, and has probably forgotten more about poetry than the rest of us will ever know. Much of what I know of poetry - and its not much - I've learned from these two, among others.
Try getting rid of the word "love". I know it sounds strange, but that word is a death-knell for a good love poem. The moment you use it, you've copped out and let that awful generic word replace what you really need and want to say.
One more thing: lose as many of the instances of the word "you" as you can. It's far too repetitive, and this detracts from what you've written.
And finally, the best advice?
Write. Write every day.
Not bad for a first effort, but I'd like to see you give it structure.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

the line
"unbreakable like a diamond it will never shatter" is a bad metaphor. Diamonds are hard enough to scratch almost anything, but hit them with a hammer and they will shatter like glass.

Read lots of poetry man, and think hard about what you are saying.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.