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BLOSSOM GONE

Gone are the high days
Never an alien called the holder of the black belt
Gone are the golden days of gold rush
The bygone of citrus fruit
In memories of the then kings
Once in dominion of only champ

Gone are the golden days
When the innocent toddlers play
Where there's no under dogs of any kind on their way

Gone are the golden days
Upon a famous ancient pride
When the moon bliss, confounded
And all the multi stars smile
But today's crazy begotten render dent
Against the dowy and corner stone
With their awful belle painted
A hash colour not meant for a whiter men

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

made me think of Haiku and Cherry Blossom time. However, the poem itself seems to me to be a mishmash of disjointed
lines that have no relation to each other. Sorry, the internal logic doesn't seem to be there. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

You do observe. Lesson learned. For me, every critique here is a special eye-opener.
@ Geezer

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

I believe I see some of the issues with your piece. Obviously, you are expressing something from your native language and translating it to English. I believe you are using a thesaurus to choose words that possibly sound better to you.
It is a long road you are set on, and this quality is admirable. The downside is that some words you use here confuse English speaking readers because a thesaurus gives many word choices that do mean the same thing, but a lot of them are very vague and are generally reserved for other situations.
I still see the proud expression in your writing, which is culturally intriguing and refreshing.
I wish I had more time to help you, but subtle nuances need to be learned. For now, keep writing, and if you're not sure of how the words are used in the english language, you should look up the definition. It's a slow process, but what else do we have but time?
Keep in mind, there is a lot of beautiful poetry out there made of simple words, and flowery or grandiose is not always the best word.
Cheers!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Every wise observations here weeds out the thorns from the poem. I believe you're very sensitive to discover the loopholes in the poem.

@ Great thanks Trisk

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Is my lenses. Now I can see at large as you saw what I couldn't see from the beginning.
You have unveiled the veiled. I can see a clear picture from here.

Thank you very much Mark!
You men of high esteem in poetry is my happiness any time my poetry got critique.
I do not feel pained in anyway, rather I got excited yes, some one has read me aloud.

Great thanks to you all sage for your sound judgement. Don't hesitate to do same as well next...

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Thanks boss!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Her confidence in delivery is unique.I watched the video at the inauguration.

Thanks alot boss!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Mark, I heard you loud and clear.
Very well then. Good you read through.
Your comment is always appreciated.
Even though is one line statement from you it gives me energy.

Thank you Mr. Mark

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

First, I would say to you, do not be in a hurry to get the english exactly right. English is a hodge-podge language, spoken by billions of people in thousands of cultures across earth, and those speakers change the language as they speak and write it, adding to its strength, its power, its richness and diversity. Nigeria is one of these places, where english poetry transforms into something unique and distinct, and usually very powerful and beautiful.
You do this here, with this poem.You are speaking of the culture and civilization extant in your part of our world before the advent of european colonization. In that context, this is a very powerful piece of poetry indeed.

Now, to the criticism...

I would use the word "Champions", and not "Champ".
"under dogs" should be "underdogs", just one word. Then again, if you are refering to actual dogs, then find a word that describes them better than "under". Perhaps "miserable", or "rabid", or "evil", or "greedy"? Any one of these words might do.
I do not understand the word "dowy" at all.
I would replace "multi stars" with "myriad stars", which will sharpen the meaning, give you better imagery, and make the line flow better.
I would change the word "hash" to 'harsh", and take out the 'a' in the last line, to make it "A harsh colour not meant for whiter men".

Its amusing to me, that as I go over this poem again, and then again, it grows in power, in meaning, and in beauty, each time I read it.
The mark of excellent poetry.
Thank you for it, and keep them coming.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Race _9Togo, your critique is educative and full of life. I have made a copy and paste in msword document for constant revisiting. Most of words you selected as a correction are typographical errors like champ etc. I think the poem need pure editing. I must say, you have a birds' eye view to see pick them out. Nice job!
I appreciate you so much.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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