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Blooming Buds [updated]
tipped glasses, eyes locked over rims
glasses and eyes filled to their brim
the crystals were bubbling with brew
her eyes tinged in passionate hue
she raised an eyebrow to inquire
"may I do, what you may require"
chuckling, I said, "have more beer
hope you aren't feeling tipsy dear"
"No" she said, with a smile on her lips
crossing our hands we had more sips
her eyes had shades of gentle desire
stoking up the flames, of a bonfire-
we laid down our glasses at least for the night
our shadows were dancing in soft candle light
in moments of bliss, we did realize
how buds do bloom before sunrise
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2018-04-29 20:16
As for mild erotica...
this fits the bill! But; there is some work to do with the rhythm and pattern.
I'm sure that you rushed through this, in your eagerness to post it. I think a lot of people do. I have done it on occasion. This is a good poem in the rough. Take the time to smooth the lines and get rid of the wrinkles. Don't be afraid to use a little punctuation! It's not the most difficult thing to do and it certainly can help. Here are some things to think about:
Be able to eliminate words that interrupt the flow, but not change the meaning of the sentence.
Example:
the glasses, her eyes, filled to the brim
Those in the crystal,a bubbly brew
sparkles in eyes, a passionate hue
She raised an eyebrow, as if to inquire
May I do something, you may require?
Not now, I reply; have some more beer
There is still time, please do not fear
I don't want to rewrite the whole thing for you.
Look at it and see what you can do. Don't be afraid to shorten or lengthen lines to make the flow.
Use a little punctuation to put a pause in the right place.
And never think that a line is so good, that you can't replace it.
If you must keep that brilliant line, that you can't do without... Use it in another poem!
Just suggestions, maybe they will help.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Mon, 2018-04-30 05:08
Thanks Gee
for taking time to read and make concrete suggestions....I will look into them for sure...the fundamental problem with me is that since English is not my mother tongue i have a limited vocabulary and I am trying hard to get the lines in a meter...let's see how it goes..
Thanks again...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2018-04-30 13:51
I understand...
about English, not being your mother tongue and the limited vocabulary. I am sure that as you gain mastery of the language; the nuances of it will become clearer. English, [as are all languages,] is changing all the time. I do not think that I have encouraged you to leave out any details, just condense your sentences by leaving out words that interrupt the flow. I think that a good, old dictionary is a huge help in doing that. When you find a word you want to use is just a syllable too long or short, take the time to look it up and see alternate meanings. There may be another word that you can use. It may be that you aren't that concerned with a little blurb in the rhythm and that is OK. I prefer to make it as smooth a rhythm as possible, [it's less to detract from the story!]
Sometimes I see a poem like this, that has good potential and I can't help feeling that I should offer some advice. If I am being a bore, just let me know. I hope anything I've said may be a help to you. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Mon, 2018-04-30 14:09
Hi again Geezer
I truly appreciate your visiting this poem again and for your very constructive suggestions...
Many thanks and regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-04-29 20:25
I am glad Gee has hit the nail on its head feel swollen raj!
''I knew
she knew
it was a moment
to kiss
......to awaken
passions
leading to the bliss
lovely start
I am a ROMANTIC POET
ere my birth
I could help the Western way
East produces.................
I am told
w/o out
sex
raj
Mon, 2018-04-30 05:09
Hi Lovedly
Thanks for the read and your comment
...........................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Mon, 2018-04-30 01:25
Unlike Gee
maybe I misunderstood him? But, I like the details. And yes, there is an interruption of the flow here and there, but it doesn't hinder the reading I thought.
I enjoyed, I'll keep an eye on this one if you decide to do any edits dear raj.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Mon, 2018-04-30 05:11
Thanks Rula
for taking time as always to visit my page and your constructive critique...
warmly..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Mon, 2018-04-30 15:05
Geezer and Rula
Thanks to your constructive and encouraging comments I have done major edits and submitted this updated version. Hope this now flows smoother. Will look forward to your comment if you get time to visit this page again....
gratefully..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Mon, 2018-04-30 16:11
if I were to compose it excuse me I will remove it my apologies
Tipped glasses, lips locked over rims
glasses and eyes fixed to their brim
crystals were bubbling with brew
while her eyes with passionate hue
She raised an eyebrow to inquire
"May I do,
what you do really require too"
little later let's get undone with the beer
then night long we'll have only to cheer
Sadly "OK" she smiled, with a twitch in her eyes
firming in our lover's hands we had more sighs
pausing glancing slightly, only to see it did stand
inching closer to the awaited intermingled hand
simply holding glasses, so far frustrated the night
shadows dancing about now in warm candle light
mounting throbbings Ah made both realize
how smaller roses bloom inside, ere sunrise
raj
Mon, 2018-04-30 17:02
Thanks Lovedly
for taking time to revisit and engage with the poem to draft an alternative.
......................................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Mon, 2018-04-30 19:06
high raj
I don't know whether u'd liked it
but I shall remove it
once u signal it
raj
Tue, 2018-05-01 04:10
It's ok Lovedly
you may not delete it considering the effort you have put into it.....
....................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Tue, 2018-05-01 09:55
great thanks
friend
raj _sublime
your not sub
but real like lime
sub reduces your worldly chime
shall let it be
you could post it as a joint effort
lovedly- cum- raj
perhaps need give it a new
TITLE
THANKS for the acknowledgement
grateful
friend raj
Rula
Wed, 2018-05-02 02:58
To be quite honest
I liked the first version better as it has a warmer feeling to it, maybe I am wrong though. You may ask yourself dear raj and see where have you found yourself more expressive?
Still can't say this isn't a good version.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
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raj
Wed, 2018-05-02 05:10
Thanks Rula
for coming back to read this modified version.......noted that you found the pre edit version better...
...................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Wed, 2018-05-02 16:01
Rula
I now have some inkling of what you mean ...i shall give it some thought and rework on this..till then consider this as work in progress...
........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Wed, 2018-05-02 19:54
your version is softy erotica still you may edit it
were bubbling with brew
while her eyes with passionate hues....
you perhaps could remove the 's'
hue and brew
appear better ....no!
she raised an eyebrow to inquire
"may I do, what you may require?" this Qs mark is superfluous, as Internet accepts'' what'' as a Question--- hence Qs mark ....you may like to review raj
IN THE EVENT you sustain your softness
in all righteousness
I must remove my hotter version
unless you wish to post it as a combo
raj_loved
raj
Thu, 2018-05-03 05:30
Thanks Lovedly
for your suggestions which are worthy of consideration..
.......................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2018-05-03 14:23
please do
many would love us poets
two
greater one
r u