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Bloody Red...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2022-07-11 17:10

And the anger that I saw
was of a crimson red
The fog before my eyes
which bulged out of my head

The color of the life force
which squirted from his head
ran down the walls and clotted
and I knew that he was dead

Nothing could have saved him
from the blow I'd firmly struck
I caught him from behind
he'd just ran out of luck

They said that he was murdered
he wasn't living anymore
I listened to the newsflash
as I wiped off the gore

I showered and I scrubbed
I washed and washed again
I got rid of all the evidence
and the cops came looking then

"I was here at home, asleep"
and Yes, I was alone"
You can check my alibi
track my tell-tale telephone

There wasn't much they had on me
'cept I didn't like old Fred
I'm sorry, I can't help you sir
and I'm sorry that he's dead

As he turned to walk away
I heard just what he said;
"I could see it in his eyes
the bloody Hell of angry red"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

RoseBlack

Mon, 2022-07-11 17:29

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Must've been a cantankerous old fool to meet such a fate! I like the title and the last two lines. The eyes say everything your mind and lips don't want to. It's always in the eyes! A fantastically, gruesome tale for sure!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Mon, 2022-07-11 17:33

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I was hoping for a better piece, but the only thing I get from red is blood! LoL
I will try to do better with the next color! ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

RoseBlack

Mon, 2022-07-11 17:37

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I get the same from it. I am considering which color to use next. I don't have much feeling toward colors other than black, grey, red and purple. I am going to have to dig deep for the last four days of the challenge!

~RoseBlack~

Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-07-12 07:18

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*hugs, Sis

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Candlewitch

Mon, 2022-07-11 17:50

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I didn't even realize that it was rhyming until the end, that is how smooth it is. I loved the whole poem, so hungry was I, that I had to hold myself back from racing to the finale! but I have to say, I do like these lines best:

As he turned to walk away
I heard just what he said;
"I could see it in his eyes
the bloody Hell of angry red"

my favorite colors are: Red, Black Purple and shades of Gray, lol
this is a great contender for the color Red!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2022-07-11 20:46

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The anger that I saw
was of a crimson red
Scarlet fog before my eyes
Bulging right out of my head

The color of the life force
which squirted from his head
ran down the walls and clotted
I knew then that he was dead

Nothing could have saved him
from the blow I'd firmly struck
I caught him from behind
he had just ran out of luck

They said that he was murdered
He wasn't living anymore
I listened to the newsflash
as I wiped away the gore

I showered and I scrubbed
I washed and washed again
got rid of all the evidence
the cops came looking then

"I was here at home, asleep"
and Yes, I was alone"
You can check my alibi
track my tell-tale telephone

There wasn't much they had on me
'cept I didn't like old Fred
I'm sorry, I can't help you sir
Tho I’m sorry that he's dead

As he turned to walk away
I heard just what he said;
"I could see it in his eyes
the bloody Hell of angry red

Last lines of the last three stanzas are a bit longer. Tho the storyteller would be getting nervous at that point.

Nice one,
Tim

Geezer

Tue, 2022-07-12 10:35

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at your suggestions a bit later and I'm sure that I can utilize some of them. Thank for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

c lynn brooks

Mon, 2022-07-11 21:10

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4th stanza last line. Should that be gun?
sounds like something killer would write

Chrys

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