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Blizzard
With heavy skies and sun beginning to wane
He wanders alone lost upon a deep snowy plane
Rain falls gently freezing and blowing a small flurry
Looking around for a landmark trying not to hurry
The wind gusts sending a chill through his bones
He can’t find the marker he left; a small pile of stones
He feels panic and fear begins to boil inside
Despite his solitude; his frustration he tries hard to hide
With light dissipating and the sleet falling harder
He starts to pick up his pace and walk much faster
Time is ticking and the temperature falling quick
Breathing heavy expelling clouds of mist and desperation
Desperation turns to blind panic as light evaporates
The freezing cold penetrates his body and numbs his senses
He thrashes through the foot high snow running with urgency
Adrenalin pumps through his veins as his dire situation becomes clear
No shelter can be seen and with no food left in his pack he ponders an icy death
Shivering with cold and shaking with fear he tramples deeper into the valley
The crystal clear moon smiles a deadly smile back at the man as he races forward
His footsteps filling behind him as fresh snow falls covering his deep tracks
A howl of a wolf and cry of an owl and then the shriek of the wind confirms Hell is close
He wraps his scarf tighter around his face blocking out the snow storm attacking his face
Soon the crystal moon is shadowed by clouds full of snow; blocking any light as he stumbles through the dark
Blackness surrounds him engulfing him in the Devil’s neck hold slowly squeezing the air from his lungs
Death takes him as he falls to the ground and the blizzard covers the evidence that the Devil was ever here
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-07-05 04:13
dear one,
first, get rid of all the ampersands (&'s) they are for texting and not poetry.you could replace them with commas. "snow filled" try (a deep snowy) I think it sounds a bit better. in this line:
Rain falls gently freezing & blowing a small flurry try: (Rain falls indifferently) it makes more of an impact.
I can feel the object's panic building until it overcomes him! it is an ominous end for him! I really like these lines:
Soon the crystal moon is shadowed by clouds full of snow; blocking any light as he stumbles through the dark
Blackness surrounds him engulfing him in the Devil’s neck hold slowly squeezing the air from his lungs
Death takes him as he falls to the ground & the blizzard covers the evidence that the Devil was ever here
*hugs, Sis
*
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
One
Tue, 2022-07-05 05:47
Sis,
Thanks Sis.
Changes have been made. Appreciate your critical eye.
regards
One.
.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2022-07-05 07:13
dear One,
the reread feels so much smoother...glad I could assist you;)
*love, Sis
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
One
Wed, 2022-07-06 03:00
Sis,
as you always do.
thanks
One
.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-07-05 06:39
She’s good
She had your back. Good poem. I’ve been out in the woods and gotten turned around and freaked out. What an incredibly helpless feeling that you absolutely have to fight through. You want to panic but you need your logic. Luckily I’ve never gotten stuck out there.
Tim
One
Wed, 2022-07-06 03:03
Tim
Cat is my personal editor, producer, proof-reader, critique & best friend.
I live in North Wales, home of Snowdonia Mountain range...many a time I have walked these mountains alone, so far I have not got lost but the weather has turned on me a few times causing a little stress & fear. I have managed to survive so far!!
regards
One
.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2022-07-05 07:08
I saw the panic...
and felt the fear. The Devil does his own thing in his own time. You had me scrambling right alongside your character. I was disappointed that he didn't make it! I thought for sure that he would find some inner-strength and reach shelter and safety. Perhaps, he will reappear, because he manages to fall into a deep lethargy and hibernation. Maybe a Tibetan Monk finds him and saves his life! Anyway, hope the next character, manages to survive. Good narration and discriptions of the storm and terror, made this a nail-biter. ~ Geez.
.
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fluffykona10
Tue, 2022-07-05 13:39
Dear One,
I think the fear of reality was so real I was shivering just reading this!
My one comment would be that you started rhyming in the beginning, and then stopped. If this was because you found it challenging to find a rhyme that kept the story you were looking for, trust me, there is always a way. If this was intentional, it looks great. I agree with Cat; I like the last stanza.
Nice poem,
River
P.S.
Sometimes it's as easy as using the exact words in a line, just switching a couple around. For example,
Time is ticking and the temperature falling quick
Breathing heavy expelling clouds of mist and desperation
turns into
Time is ticking and the temperature falling quick
Breathing heavy expelling clouds of desperation and mist
Not a perfect rhyme, but the meaning is the same as always, and I think it flows a bit better.
One
Wed, 2022-07-06 03:06
fluffy
firstly thank you for your read & comment.
I was trying to start out with simple rhyme to create a calmish feel, but as the fear began to set in I deliberately increased the line lengths and dropped the rhyme in order to turn the style.
As poets we can often get caught in a style, I thought it would be clever (imho) to change that as the poem progressed.
As a song writer I am used to rhyming so it was a refreshing change to alter the poem by dropping the rhyming scheme.
Thanks for your input.
regards
One
.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"
author commentfluffykona10
Sat, 2022-07-09 02:45
Dear One,
Very clever of you.
I'm sorry if I interfered with your style, I'm glad you tried to do your own thing. I myself can be a little OCD about rhymes, especially in my own poems. The fact that you were able to write a non-rhyming poem when you're used to rhyming is unfathomable to me.
Great emotion,
River