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Bliss (plus revision)
Bliss (original)
most of all, I miss our mingled laughter...
traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.
your envisioned smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...
----------------------------------------
Bliss (suggested changes)
Bliss
most of all, I miss our shared laughter...
traveling the telephone lines,
banishing the many miles
of the abyss between,
your heart and mine.
your imagined smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
another poem for the manuscript, "Mirror rorriM" I appreciate all comments and suggestions.
thanks, Cat
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
loved
Fri, 2012-07-13 07:20
abyss of distance
you seem to have converted
hurt into laughter ,
in a while
to make life worthwhile
from bliss to bliss
Oh miss!
great abyss
loved
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-07-13 10:54
Dear Loved,
Thank you for your read and comment :)
always, Cat
*
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author commentdocmaverick
Fri, 2012-07-13 07:52
a very nice....
...contemplative read. Plus, I too, know of that, elevated state.
Cheers,
doc.
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Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-07-13 10:57
Dear Doc,
Thank you for your nice comment.
always, Cat
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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-07-13 10:02
beautiful cat
'I miss our mingled laughter...
,,, traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.'
evokes so any menories in so few words
love it
nothing to crit
- but i wonder if you need 'of distance'?
why not just 'the abyss between us'?
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-07-13 11:01
Thanks, Judy!
I'm glad you enjoyed my little blurb of prose. I will have to think about your suggestion. I'll wait and see if anyone else mentions it. maybe I should have said "physical distance"? It is always a pleasure to get a visit from you. Thank you.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentBonitaj
Fri, 2012-07-13 15:07
Ah Cat!
isn't bliss always an elevated state? Liked the tautological use of symbols and am want to reminisce on a little "blissful" encounter myself! ;)
Nice work!
Bonitaj
Candlewitch
Mon, 2012-07-16 10:56
Dear Boni,
Yes! Bliss is the best high I know of and it is all natural! Thank you for your comment.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentraj
Mon, 2012-07-16 14:58
The blissful feeling of
The blissful feeling of listening to the laughter and voice of a loved one expressed so nicely here..after all bliss is a state of mind irrepressible by the physical distance..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-17 11:19
Dear raj,
So nice to see you! I hope you have been well. Thank you for reading and commenting :)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Mon, 2012-07-16 15:11
I to,
I to like this Cat, but everytime i read it i want to take away, (of distance.) So it would read. burning away the many miles of the abyss betweeen us, your heart and mine. I think it reads better this way, but either way it's still great. Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-17 11:22
Thank you Roscoe,
for reading and your suggestion. Yours is the second for removing the word "distance" so I shall eliminate it. Thank you!
love, Cat
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author commentscribbler
Mon, 2012-07-16 16:36
Hi Cat
I like it just as it is but since you asked for suggestions I'll supply some alternatives :
line 1 could say shared instead of mingled (might denote a more intimate feel)
line 3 Try Banishing the many miles (just an alternative)
line4 delete "us" (less is more)
line 6 change envisioned to imagined......just an idea
As usual these are just alternatives. As I said earlier this is fine as is.............stan
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-17 11:45
Dear Stan,
I posted all of your suggestions under the original. Thank you!
always, Cat
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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author commentIan.T
Tue, 2012-07-17 03:13
Cat
Smart, short to the point, then I noticed that you went onto Skype at the end.
Excellent was this on purpose lol ????,
Where you could see his smile's across the miles..
Yours Sparrow...
I have to go Yenti, and Ian.T have left the Dark room, and are heading this way lol
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-17 11:47
LOL!
Thanks to Ian T. Yenti and all!
love, Cat
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When someone reads your work
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author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2012-07-20 12:15
cool poem, nicely writ
remember you don't need to post versions, we can see them by clicking on Revisions
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-07-20 12:46
Thanks Jess,
I forgot about that function. silly face > :)
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
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