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BLIND VISION
Gazing through a window without glass
envisioning reality
distorted.
Do I behold what's come to pass
or what has not yet come to be
perhaps aborted?
Some go through the looking glass.
Sometimes I step through what's not there
with eyes tightly closed.
The unglazed window of my mind
reveals what looking glass leapers
overlook.
Too preoccupied
..Too hurried
.....(Too worried?)
Too blind.
Would you dare accompany
one who would lead but does not see.
who pays no heed to now or past or future?
Will you walk
the unseen path
to gaining absolute vision
with me?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I figured if Jess could do a rhymer it was time I try another free verse lol.........stan
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Thu, 2012-05-17 04:03
I really like the stanza
I really like the stanza
‘The unglazed window of my mind
reveals what looking glass leapers
overlook.
Too preoccupied
..Too hurried
.....(Too worried?)
Too blind.’
but
‘Would you dare accompany
one who would lead but does not see.
who does not acknowdge now or past or future?’ (typo – acknowledge)
- just to my ear I stress, sounds ‘clunky’
can I suggest something like
‘Would you dare accompany
one who leads but does not see,
acknowledging not now nor past nor future?
and one last tiny thing…
You have used ‘perhaps’ twice and close here
do you want to change one? maybe to ‘maybe’?
I admire this free verse
as you, I’m still finding my way through the form
but I think you have really done more than well here
in fact a scribble that took me with it
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-17 21:56
Hi Judy
The great thing about Neo is having other eyes availablt to spot what I overlooh lol. Fixed typo and amtrying to come up with better alternative to the now,past, future line. And perhaps I'll change one perhaps to something else in the edit which I perhaps will do lmao............stan
author commentloved
Thu, 2012-05-17 00:11
How is it that more and more poets over here
are now going free
Is it Loved mania ??
If so tc......
loved
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-17 21:57
Hi loved
LOL....Sorry to say I try out free verse on a semi-periodic basis. But thanks for visiting.........stan
author commentIan.T
Thu, 2012-05-17 02:54
Stan
Please submit your what we call a CV, of who or what you are, then I shall decide if I will jump through that space with you LOL.
I will walk with you, on paths that you know, where you can show me the beauty or faults of the things around lol.
We can walk together in thought and see all and understand much,
Yours Ian.T.
PS:- this write is a change from your norm I will think about it????
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-17 22:00
hi Ian
I am afraid the only papers I can submit are commitment papers lol. Thanks for stumbling along with this free verse with me................stan
author comment