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Blessings (Metaphor WS #4)
May I offer you the warm hug of the sunlight
to be the cradle of the hopes that you seek?
Let the wind carry my love to you tonight
to be your light when the face of fate is bleak.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.
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Comments
alidzain
Tue, 2015-09-29 00:27
This piece
is the description of love as well as a tribute to Jayne and all my friends. I love all of you. Thank you for being you.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Tue, 2015-09-29 03:59
Alid
A lovely message to all our friends out there..
The line:- Let the wind send my love for you tonight.
Just a suggestion:- Let the wind carry my love to you tonight
I feel that to "carry" is actual, where as "send" is a task to do
Your thoughts Please??
Take care and our love to you, Ian, and the Chldren..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Tue, 2015-09-29 12:56
Thanks Ian
done the edit. Now this one sounds better.
Alid
author commentRula
Tue, 2015-09-29 09:24
Awesomely done Khalid!
though you've mostly utilized personification rather than metaphor, but I don't care since I can see the bones of a thematic unity that if fleshed well might become an eloquent poem with a lovely message.
Kudos!!
BTW, I agree with Ian's suggestion.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Tue, 2015-09-29 12:58
Salam, Rula
a question,,err.. what do you mean by a thematic unity?
Alid
author commentRula
Tue, 2015-09-29 13:12
Salam Khalid
Remember when we talked about words that are related to one theme such as the weather or the sea or the school or a ship?
For example , if we talk about the sea, we can use words such as waves, tides, ebbs, surf...etc.
I talked about this directly before assigning the last ex.
Please read again that paragraph and the exemplary short piece if you have any question, please let me know.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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wesley snow
Tue, 2015-09-29 16:14
It has come to my attention...
that I don't use metaphors very well.
So I'm not the best one to critique this.
However, I loved it. I agree and disagree with Rula on two fronts. First is that I think it fairly drips with metaphor, but also it is, instead of a thematic theme, more a character study.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Tue, 2015-09-29 17:04
Thanks
Wes.
Alid
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