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BLACKNESS

Submitted by PETHEMPAMENTES on Fri, 2016-09-30 14:42

Awake again with only this
Pen to place me back
To sleep
Slipping from a quiet majesty of
Velvet darkness --- I've emerged the
Half-sleeper caught between two worlds
While the night shift keeps on working
The honey of my mind is
Challenged by the drug of time
There is a time when all men should
Sleep forever or should have
Slept forever
I am still asleep
Or ---not awake
Sitting here pounding at
Keys with numb flesh

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2016-09-30 19:56

weirdelf's picture
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I love the lines-
There is a time when all men should
Sleep forever or should have
Slept forever

I very minor point, perhaps --- could be replaced by an ellipsis (...) though maybe you had your reason for using it.

It is a unique approach to writer's block, or the sense of futility we sometimes sense from our writing.

I look for to more work and especially critique on other people's work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Sat, 2016-10-01 04:14

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I really love this. I can identify with it 100% and am no stranger to the quiet hours that whirl between two worlds.
I think you have caught a perfect snapshot and honestly wouldn't suggest any changes.
Cheers Jx

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