Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Black Rose

A black rose on the mantle
silently bleeds
its petals on your picture of yore
as rare as our love
which never saw light
blooming on a moonless night

As the petals are shed
memories deluge
stunted promises of love
as dry as the petals
of the weathering rose
shorn before a touch of dew

I offer those shreds
at the shrine of your soul
to rest in peace with your frame
and by its side
in a tearfull parting
I lay your picture of yore

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
this is my maiden attempt at dark poetry
Editing stage: 

Comments

thank you for your comment ....may be its not dark enough as you say because it is my maiden attempt ...but thats not an excuse..i need to see how i can make it darker...i appreciate your visit and sincere opinion...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

in response to your comments and of others too suggesting i make it darker..i have now added a thrid verse ...let me know if you happen this way if it now feels darker..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'm not much of a dark poet, but this does seem a bit dim instead of dark. A few ideas to maybe move it deeper into the shadows :
L-6 try something like dying on a moonless night
L-9 maybe false promises of love
L-10 as dead as the petals
L-11 of the rotting rose

I'm sure some on site who write this style can do a much better critique than this................scribbler

the word "stunted" is used deliberately to suggest "shor lived" rather than false...

in response to your comment and of others too suggesting i make it darker..i have now added a thrid verse ...let me know if you happen this way if it now feels darker..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you for the time and comments. which are most welcome ,..more so because dark poetry has neither been my territory ..if fact its contrary to my comfort zone...but as a student i have made a maiden attempt and will stand to benifit from suggestions like you have made...in fact moments back i messaged Dan inviting his critic....i will look for more and then give it a tweak...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'm not sure exactly how "dark" should dark poetry be but this one's fine. I agree with scribbler though. You should put in more negative adjectives to make it a little more darker.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

Thank you Dennis for dropping in ....i welcome all comments and critic while i explore this territory of dark poetry...lets see how it goes...

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

in response to your comment and a generalo consensus of opinion that i could make it darker..i have now added a thrid verse ...let me know if you happen to visit this page again it now feels darker..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

You chose the better option of adding a third verse instead of changing the words.

The entire feel is darker as it should be. Just perfect.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

Oh...hello Molly!!
i would love to know more about you ...lol...fun apart i didnt know you also post your poes here wuith that given name...

much love n smiles...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I response to the consensus of opinion that i need to make it darker...i have tried to do so by adding a third verse...let me know if you happen to visit this page again if it is now darker...

much love and smiles to you and Ms. Molly :..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Raj,

this must have been a difficult write for you as you are known to me as a writer of love and positivity.

The question is, when does a poem become sufficient to be considered dark?

In my opinion, this is a dark poem. It has a sad feel and has little in the way of 'happy' emotions. This is in my opinion quite dark enough for the theme you are covering. Of course you could make it darker...but I think you've etched a perfectly dark stained image with this write.

Tragically beautiful.

I wouldn't change one word.

The black rose really sets off this sad piece.

All in all, I enjoyed it and can see you can turn your hand to 'darker' writes. Don't go dark for too long though, you are one of only a rare few whose 'light' poetry touches me.

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

thank you for your comment...good to know you felt the tragic part which i had thought would label this as a dark poem...but from the consensus of opinion / comments from everyone i now know i need to make it darker....i will give it a try for sure...if not fr this one may be some other...

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

The verse you added is a good one. I think you should pay more attention to Dan's opinion on this than mine because he is much more experienced in this type write..............................scribbler

Raj,

as you know we have already discussed this in depth via PM, but I must say I didn't suggest a third verse, but that has really made a difference. Good call my friend.

I see you did shorted the title...perfect!

I see Stan has told you to listen to me...listen to him too, he may not admit it, but he can write very dark pieces too...he can even shock me at times!

Anyway, good first dark poem my friend...what is good is that you posted and asked for comment and you've received that and made good use of the ideas and suggestions...Neo has achieved what it is supposed to do with this one...and now you can sit proudly in the darkness and enjoy your first dark poem (you may need a candle...candlewitch (Cat) will help you there!)

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

thank you once again for your encouraging remarks and comments...they are always much appreciated...

you are right ...i would love to read comments from Cat too about this write as always i do..and ofcourse Stan too who always is very observant..studious and makes sincere comments with good intentions...

warm regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you for your comment...good to know it touched you ...dark poetry not being my comfort zone i had to dig deep before coming up with this one...i ventured into it for two reasons...1. to make an attempt in quest of improvement as an amateur on the range of moods/emotions i try to create in my writes and 2) i wanted to create and dedicate a write to all those whose love has been shortlived due to fate....

much love and hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you for a very elaborate comment on this ..my maiden attempt at dark poetry...

like seasons we all go through various stages of moods at some point of time or periods

light and darkness though contrasting in nature ..due to this very contrast we are able to differentiate one from the other..

my quest for learning and trying a hand at new things inspired me to give this style of writing a try...and being an unknown territory it was a challenge too....i know i am nowhere near the best in this style/form of poetry like say Dan and Cat...but from the sincere comments and responses i have received it is good to know that atleast i have been able to make it grey enough if not dark....:)

nice to know you could relate this write to those old pictures you have mentioned in your comment...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.