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Black Hillside
black hillside
-
I spat the blood, spewed the clotting
tongue out hanging metal spotting
eyes are swimming worlds are plotting
black green rotting black green rotting
-
My breastplate long had cleft in two
I'm yellow red and black and blue
I stare the hatred at a few
My eye on you, my eye on you
-
I bit the vein to show I would
I lit the train to show I could
I hacked the knee of giant wood
I fought each good, I fought each good
-
a fogbound day a folly stood
across me in the fledgling wood
a boy of eight and crying stood
knelt as I should, knelt as I should
Ron
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Columbus, Ohio
Favorite Poets
Rimbaud, Coleridge, Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell, Allen Ginsberg, Ai, Langston Hughes, Maxine Kumin, Anne Sexton, Kerouac, Burroughs, Amiri Baraka, Wallace Stevens.
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Comments
judyanne
Sat, 2012-08-04 03:03
yea - another monotetra
love them
a very powerful write ron
are you desribing any particular battle?
nothing to crit - great rhythm and rhyme
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
BlueDemon77
Sat, 2012-08-04 03:13
Hi Judy, nothing specific
The timeframe was the hyborean age, no law, no conscience. An accomplished fighter meets a boy with armour rattling off him and crying, so my character kneels before him. The warrior decides innocence is far more important than the practiced ability to kill. The warrior kneels before the child. Past to future, kindness and humanity from anger and brutality.
Thanks Judy!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-08-04 09:27
Ron
Thank you for the explanation of this piece, I love it when someone explains things about their write, but you stepped out of that age in an excellent scene of meekness and humility that was shown in your words.
I say a beautiful write, where the feelings came out and shone in those dark days, always hoping that there were some that showed these things to others,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- More information for the readers lol...
The Hyborian Age is a fictional period within the artificial mythology created by Robert E. Howard, in which the sword and sorcery tales of Conan the Barbarian and Red Sonja are set.
The word "Hyborian" is a transliterated contraction by Howard of the Ancient Greek "hyperborean", referring to a "barbaric dweller beyond the boreas (north wind)."
Howard stated that the geographical setting of the Hyborian Age is that of our earth, but in a fictional version of a period in the past, c. Upper Paleolithic (40,000 to 10,000 BC).
The reasons behind the invention of the Hyborian Age were perhaps commercial:
Howard had an intense love for history and historical dramas; however, at the same time, he recognized the difficulties and the time-consuming research needed in maintaining historical accuracy. By conceiving a timeless setting – a vanished age –
By carefully choosing names that resembled our history, Howard avoided the problem of historical anachronisms and the need for lengthy exposition.
Although he is not represented in Howard's library, nor alluded to in his papers and correspondence, there is a strong likelihood that Howard's conception of the Hyborian Age originated in Thomas Bulfinch's The Outline of Mythology (1913)
Acting as a catalyst that enabled Howard to "coalesce into a coherent whole his literary aspirations and the strong physical, autobiographical elements underlying the creation of Conan."
Howard's Hyborian Age is also related to Clark Ashton Smith's Hyperborean cycle.
In Howard's artificial legendarium, the Hyborian Age is chronologically situated between two other eras:
"The Pre-Cataclysmic Age" of Kull (c. Upper Paleolithic 20,000 BC) and the onslaught of the Picts (c. 9500 BC). According to "The Phoenix on the Sword", the adventures of Conan take place "...
Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas..."
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
BlueDemon77
Sat, 2012-08-04 10:13
Well Done Ian!
Thanks for clarifying the background and reasoning of Howard. He is a large influence on me, as are Smith, and Lovecraft. I'm glad you liked it.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-08-04 10:20
Ron
My Sir name is "Howard" how could I resist... lol
We are the Howard's of Norfolk La La
Yours, Ian.T.Howard....
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
BlueDemon77
Sun, 2012-08-05 00:22
Here's a toast!!!!
To the Howards of Norfolk!!! Ian, you rock and rule.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2012-08-05 03:16
Ron
I would have carried on his writing ways,
but some Dragons and Spirits got into my days.
They guided me in field that he did not know,
Us Howard's have been poets and writers for many years you know.
We sent a couple to the US of A,
But there a military career got in the way,
War like, they carried on, but we still honour them as our sons.
Though I have been told of quite a few took to writing for me and you.
From the Great seal of England to the peasant in the field,
Poets, and artists to the world we yield,
Painting scenes on canvass with words or oils,
For the intellect of the world we toil.
One day when all things are added to the scrolls,
We will figure in roll on roll.
It is a pleasure to know of others here,
No bows are needed just a cheer.
Our presence you must never fear,
Yours I. T. Howard.
Ian . T is in his Dark room, so I wrote this up for him, Yours Sparrow
La La
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
BlueDemon77
Sun, 2012-08-05 00:21
Thanks Lonnie!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I read a lot of Howard. He knocked me out with the Conan, Bran Mak Morn, and Kull and even more so with the short horror fiction in Pidgeons from Hell. I'm glad to give him kudos whenever I can!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sun, 2012-08-05 04:32
I like,
I love the concept and the poem, just one line i'd change. Line two verse two, I'm yellow red, black and blue. For me taking away one of the and's works better. But the poem has so many visual aspects, it carries you right through to the end. Great poem. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 11:03
Hi Roscoe!
Thanks for the kind words and the constructive criticism. I can certainly see your point about the second 'and' but that would eliminate the iamb rhythm and make that segment too staccato I think.
This started as a light tribute to Robert E. Howard and developed a life of its own. It seems to have become a form poem where the form doesn't distract from the imagery or narrative. I think the iambic rhythm powers it forward. There is something right about it that I can't take credit for. It was a happy accident. : )
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentRula
Sun, 2012-08-05 15:09
great language usage Ron
I found difficulty in choosing the favorite lines but the opening stanza is really great
I spat the blood, spewed the clotting
toungue out hanging metal spotting
eyes are swimming worlds are plotting
black green rotting black green rotting
Enjoyed indeed.Thanks for sharing
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 11:05
Thanks Rula!
I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite all the gore...hehe.
Thanks again!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-06 06:39
oh dear. let me recover from that first reading and come back
My first reading I was just assaulted and overwhelmed by the imagery and language and had no idea what it was about but felt it was something important.
(honestly had to walk away, have a ciggy and a breath of air before I came back to it)
There is a story hear but I still can't grok it except it seems like a warrior, dying, confronted with a child and forced to confront his own butchery.
Now I've read the other's feedback and responses.
I've never encountered the monotetra form before, if I've got the guts (excuse the contextual pun) I might try it.
This is bloody (sorry, the bad puns keep happening) fine poetry.
Two obvious suggestions spell eight, not 8.
And the final line... I can't say it more clearly than it needs more consonants for impact, it reads a bit awkwardly.
perhaps
knelt that I should, knelt that I should.
Very impressed man, I think you truly are a kindred spirit here. The very content marks you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 11:58
Thanks much Jess!
I appreciate your statements and constructive criticisms. To know that this short form narrative piece had such an impact upon you is a compliment indeed. I know the imagery is hyper dark, but it's for realism of a lawless fictional age. I made the change of the 8 to eight (I know APA format but despise it, still you're right eight is better here). As for the other major suggestion, I did research how I could add more impact with more striking consonant sounds in the last line and came up empty. Then I thought the softer s sounds fit the revelation going on inside the warrior as the experienced killer kneels before the innocense of a child. Then we're out of the scene. Does the boy kill him?, does the warrior live and change? Does the warrior move on killing? That's in the imagination of each reader. I know what I think, but if I did my job here, people will have their own ideas about these questions.
Thanks much Jess, I appreciate being considered a kindred spirit. I feel it. I know this thought isn't consistant throughout Neo, but that's the breaks. I know I live and breath poetry and I'm happy to have found this place.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-06 10:43
oh dear, Eph,
[visibly restrains himself to be polite and not even jokingly insulting]
When someone is working within a strict form like this, show some respect, please.
You have entered form workshops then done nothing but mock the process, which is just one of my issues with you.
Sure, everyone writes for their own reasons, and all forms are valid. You know I mostly write freeform myself. I teach structure to help people learn the craft, not limit them.
So when a structure is acknowledged, feedback referring to sillybull count, or in other cases refusing to acknowledge the terminology of meter is just bloody ignorant, incredibly egocentric and definitely unhelpful.
Do you finally hear me?
Having said that, of course your suggestions may have been helpful to Ron. That's his choice.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 13:27
Hi Ephraim!
I appreciate the comments and constructive criticism. I write and have written freeform poetry for a long time. This one came out as Monotetra and with this form, iambic tetrameter is the engine and momentum. I'm not saying a free form version of this couldn't be written that would be effective, I'm just saying the poem I wrote needed each syllable as is.
The uppercase are the emphasized syllables. It's Iambic tetrameter and I think it moves the poem forward with great momentum without taking away from my intended meanings.
I spat THE blood, SPEWED the CLOTting
TONGUE out HANGing, METal SPOTting
EYES are SWIMming, WORLDS are PLOTting
BLACK green ROTting, BLACK green ROTting
-
My BREASTplate LONG had CLEFT in TWO
I'm YELlow RED and BLACK and BLUE
I STARE the HATred at A few
My EYE on YOU, my EYE on YOU
-
I BIT the VEIN to SHOW I WOULD
I LIT the TRAIN to SHOW I COULD
I HACKED the KNEE of GIant WOOD
I FOUGHT each GOOD, I FOUGHT each GOOD
-
a FOGbound DAY a FOLly STOOD
aCROSS me IN the FLEDGling WOOD
a BOY of EIGHT and CRYing STOOD
knelt AS I SHOULD, knelt AS I SHOULD
So you see, there was a rhyme (woops, bad pun) and reason for the syllabic structure. It was about the music, meter, lyricism, of the poem. I appreciate your input greatly though. Thanks for bringing the typo in the last line to my attention.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-08-06 11:34
i just noticed ron
your last line has 9 syllables
'knelt as I should, I knelt as I should' -
did you mean to have the 'I' in there?
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 13:30
Good eye Judyanne!
You are right, thanks for bringing it to my attention. An eight syllable count is vital to the iambic tetrameter.
Thanks again!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
author commentBlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 13:42
I don't know why I keep
I don't know why I keep getting these duplicate entries.
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
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