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THE BLACK CHRIST

Submitted by Chiori on Thu, 2017-11-16 12:44

They brought their cross to us
we carried it,
The white cross
replaced by the dying black cross
long buried in the cemetery of memory
This cumbersome cross
attached to the black neck

My mouth must not eat rotten yam
Blame me not either
A dance with the legacy of my father’s
The Amadioha of Ndi Igbo, the Sango of the Yoruba’s
a symbol of tourism long stolen
what story for the generation unborn
what will they see

if Asia were here Buddhist we turn
Why carry it sheepishly
religions like fishes in the sea
Everyone believes in they own believe
Don’t forget yours

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Africans have they own cultures thousands of years before the birth of christainity
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

themoonman

Sat, 2017-11-18 17:31

themoonman's picture
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Powerful content is always a plus,
and your words carried it.
It could be improved but only tightened
up to help the music generated when
read aloud ...
very good poem in my opinion

Richard

swamp-witch

Sat, 2017-11-18 20:59

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Richard is totally right. This content is powerful and an important topic, especially this time of year when America and to a lesser extent the UK make ridiculous claims about the war on Christianity.

Nope. Christianity and its "Manifest Destiny" and "Divine Providence" were a war upon so many countries around the world whose ancient and immense cultures were sometimes utterly destroyed and replaced by colonization.

This message needed to be said and I'm glad you've done it. I hope you don't mind a few suggestions to help with the polishing/tightening that Richard mentioned.

"if Asia were here Buddhist we turn" --> consider trying something like "if Asia came here, Buddhist we would turn"

I think adding the conditional verb "would" and the action verb "came" will make this line more clear as to what is happening

"Everyone believes in they own believe" --> consider trying "Everyone believes in their own dogma"

I think switching "believe/belief" to "dogma" helps the flow of the line because the repetition of believes/believe so close together can make readers stumble and "they" should be the possessive form "their". If you decide to keep it as "they" to signify how you speak, that's totally fair too.

These are just a few minor grammar/word choice suggestions that I think will help, so I hope you don't mind me mentioning them. You certainly don't have to make any of these changes if you don't want to!

The first and second stanza are so powerful to me, I don't see anything that you might consider revising. The images of the "dying black cross" and the "cemetery of memory" and the dance of the father becoming a tourist attraction are especially emotive and visceral.

Take care and keep writing,
Kelsey

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Chiori

Sun, 2017-11-19 09:37

Chiori's picture

nice one Kelsey

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

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