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Bitter sweet symphony

Submitted by drewdionp on Thu, 2016-07-28 04:06

Want to know just how I feel
I'll tell you now something real

I loved her when our hearts were pure
tho now the fire burns no more

I gave you trust you gave me lust
The golden circle has now bust

Fear me not I mean no harm
our chemistry has lost its charm

Don't bite your tongue and say your worth
Won't bite my tongue that can hurt

I seek the truth an what I found
A web of lies so tightly wound

I hate you not for choices  made
Tho I won't be one who's at your aid

Life the gift left for us all some rise
above but most will fall

fear not the day witch is your last
Live slow in the now time goes fast

Everythings not quite what it seems
look at their grass I bet its green

Live your life for what is right
The choice is yours to run or fight

You made your bed tried to tuck me in
I can not sleep in sheets of sin

Peace of mined im to weak to find
The hardest task of mankind

I give you back what you put in
You've worn me down my skin is thin

Who knows truly write from wrong
We set the standard and live along

Your shelf of feelings up at the top
a balloon filled with anger sure to pop

In a world that's blind by greed
We take the clones no time for seeds

Addicted to ones own shame
I become so numb I welcome pain

Of all the words you've abused
There's only 3 that's left me bruised

Cruel intentions are bitter sweet
When used agents ones own symphony

See me now I'm crystal clear or am I
just transparent I'll disappear

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

drewdionp

Fri, 2016-07-29 01:32

drewdionp's picture

You know you're absolutely right I was going to put something different lol I went with that because that's how we say it where m from lol but you are right I did have thought about that line :) Ty for the feedback

Drew D. #MSSUCK

author comment

Sparrow

Sun, 2016-07-31 03:33

Sparrow's picture
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These are the sort of rhyming lines I feel are from a much younger person.
The theme may be good but the double rhyming form you have used is stressed as if you struggled all the time to find a link word.
I see you are one of the new talk generation where we have to fill in the words correctly, for poetry it is bad, though we have modern poetry, it still conforms to most times pure language.
Sorry, but just couldn't equate this with anything other than Nursery rhymes but even those were very strict in the words used,
Yours, Sparrow..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Sun, 2016-07-31 08:01

alidzain's picture

You've got some wrongly used words in the poem. Here's some of them, bro

fear not the day (witch) is your last The word should be "which"
Live slow in the now time goes fast

Peace of (mined) im (to) weak to find They should be "mind" and "too"
The hardest task of mankind

I let you find the rest.

Alid

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 07:40

lovedly's picture

only on face book for sure
you will get a million likes
go try
red blue and white

Peace of mined!!! (im) to weak to find
witch!!!! did u mean which
many more minor typos
may u cure
edit as jess would like it

u i see r 3 years old
I have placed u in my readers list

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-08-01 07:24

weirdelf's picture
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but talk sense, plain English. You have been around Neopoet long enough to have learned how to make positive, constructive critique.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 07:41

lovedly's picture

critique I will
if I feel competent
the poet is good

Now I have..................

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-08-01 09:23

weirdelf's picture
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you post way in excess of quality. You know I respect your gems.
Give back a bit for subjecting us to all your non-gems by giving rational, real english help to young poets.
You can. No excuses.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lovedly

Mon, 2016-08-01 12:59

lovedly's picture

will

drewdionp

Wed, 2016-08-17 00:48

drewdionp's picture

Absolutely and than you!!! I would like to see what it could become in the hands of someone else :)

Drew D. #MSSUCK

author comment

drewdionp

Wed, 2016-08-17 00:51

drewdionp's picture

Most of it was talk text I have been diagnosed with primary Progressive multiple sclerosis which took away 60% of my short-term memory I struggle a lot these days with spelling even more so than before that said I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to comment I will pull it down and redo it hopefully this time could make more for a poem also it was a freestyle to the song bittersweet symphony that my buddy record probably why so kid like in ryme and I'm no master I just enjoy to try and I copied down using talk text not my usual Style just something he thought was cool and I thought I would share. Thank you everyone for the thoughts and time much appreciated

Drew D. #MSSUCK

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