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Between Dimensions

Submitted by judyanne on Mon, 2012-04-30 12:33

While I slip here between dimensions
you hold my hand, confusions reign
As one world, then another hastens
you keep me 'safe', on firm terrain

I see the dead walk with the living
while I slip here between dimensions
A frightening thing this part of aging
where crimson reason softens, weakens

and intuition deepens, sharpens
brightening knowledge long forgot
While I slip here between dimensions
just who are you to say I'm not?

My past parades for me to see
Who lightens all our burdens beckons
with love, reviews my life with me
while I slip here between dimensions

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
The quatern is a classic French rhyming form consisting of 4 quatrains. Each line is 8 syllables long and usually in iambic tetrameter. There is no prescribed rhyme scheme. The distinguishing characteristic of this form is the repeating/descending line, so that line one of the first quatrain becomes line two of the second, line three of the third, and line four of the final stanza.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-01 02:24

judyanne's picture
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welcome to the site
you will have opportunity to learn a lot here
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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I Am Peace I Am...

Mon, 2012-04-30 16:56

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

I like this a lot. A new idea. And I absolutely love the pictures your words paint for me:)

Edgar poet

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-01 02:25

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for the very kind comment

but this form is not a new idea lol - french form - quite old :)
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-08 04:02

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and you are very very good.

I also love your themes.

But there is a certain something lacking, a rawness, a vitality perhaps? very hard to crit and help with, sorry. All I can think of is how well your freeform works and suggest reading some Gerard Manley Hopkins. Nothing beats that sprung meter!

The only semi-useful thing I can say here is that the line
just who are you to say I'm not?
feels awkward, out of place, to the tone of the rest.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-08 12:32

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for the very kind and supportive comment

‘a certain something lacking, a rawness, a vitality … how well your freeform works’
- I used the iambic pentameter for this write, as it lends to a gentleness I wanted … of course it has to be done right – lol. perhaps I missed…
- as for freeform… I really rarely feel comfortable with it – most of my freeform has been stuff that I have been surprised you have liked as I thought they lent towards that introspection or whatever it is about the particular poems i've seen you say are too egocentric that I thought you dislike….

and also, I have always been confused with how to write it with all the definitions saying that freeform is just that – no form then go on to say that freeform however despite its freedom, often still has some elements of form… so just what rules can I break? lol

and I have a rhyming muse
she doesn’t leave me alone day and night – the other muses hate her… what am I to do with all those rhymes?

as for that line – I’m not sure where you find it jars to the rest of the write … but I’ll keep thinking on it

I will definitely look up Gerald Manley Hopkins, thank you
again jess – very I much appreciate your crit
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-08 12:50

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our favourite phrase was "tell 'them fuck them, nah, fuck them, tell them nothing"

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. I see you working really hard with skill and intelligence in your poetry, and sometimes it doesn't work for me. Mostly it does and I am so far past impressed I am jealous. On the other hand your work can be so deep and complex that people simply don't know how to respond with anything but superlatives or silence.

That's your particular burden of genius and creativity.

Cop it sweet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-08 13:01

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"tell 'them fuck them, nah, fuck them, tell them nothing"
oh i love it...

then it was mouth on the floor ... wow
thank you jess for those supportive words... you don't know the confidence they have given me

oh - this is the third review i have received from you today and i thank you so very much for taking the time
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-05-08 12:50

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I know little about meter, other than the basics. And I know even less about the style you have chosen. I just know that I liked this piece and the repititions were somehow comforting. I think it flowed well and was almost lyrical. I can find no fault with this write. I much liked:

and intuition deepens, sharpens
brightening knowledge long forgot
While I slip here between dimensions
just who are you to say I'm not?

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-08 13:07

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thank you so much for the lovely comment
but you know i really can't take all the credit for the musicallity you felt
- the french forms all lend to the musical, that helps the poet no end, with their repetitions and meter

and thank you for telling me which part you liked best
- that's always good to know
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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