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Betrayed

Whispers in the dark leaking from the window
revealed treachery of which I didn't know
I kicked open the door and my heart bled,
seeing two bodies entangled on the bed

My lover's face now masked by fear
while an old friend cowered in the corner
How long have I been a fool, I wonder
but the answer doesn't really matter

With scarred pride and shards of broken dreams,
I left the traitors lying in their nest of sins
Their betrayal insulted me, made me feel empty
Years of trust and loyalty shattered by a night of treachery

Aching with anger and swelling disgust,
I'm determined to leave them in the past
I won't be their amusing fool anymore
"I'm done, "I thought while walking out of the door

I won't allow this betrayal to tarnish my belief
that love still exists beyond present grief
but for now I needed to embrace solitude
before my search for love can be continued

Through time I will be wiser and stronger
then I can revive the hopes torn asunder
to begin a new chapter
for a new love seeker

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

while an old friend cowered (at a) corner
"To me at a corner is to be on the outside, In the corner as Jack Horner would fit the bill, there trying to hide.."
I'm done, (I'm walking out of the door)
"My thought as I walked out the door" an action not an intention..
that true love (exist) " exists" and could bring relief
.
Once I am wiser and stronger
I will revive the hopes torn asunder
to begin a new chapter
for the sake of my future..
This needs to be sorted then all will be fine..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

the poems is lagging on more literary devices which you must derelict to your poetic capability

for once you stun me with your words that I have to search their meanings. lol. I think it will be more helpful if you show me the areas where I needed improvement and offer suggestions so that I can work on it. Sometimes the writer can't see it. One man's opinion differ from the other. I'm not saying this piece is flawless. My works are still considered beginner's standard compared to everyone here. All the more reason for me to learn.Tell me your views. Help me learn with your suggestions.

Alid

author comment

i will try to work on the poem on a draft and see through if there are milieus for adjustment but seriously i have great love for you and your enthusiasm just keep it up and write first to the audience of yourself, by sometimes reading it out loud for sound variations and patterns , and also its great that you love poetry so much , so this will greatly help

You asked about the title. I personally prefer as brief a title as will do the poem justice . So I think simply "Betrayed" would work well. I have a few other ideas you can think about then decide whether they are worth using.
Stanza 1, line 2 For some reason this line seems to repeat itself. Try something like treachery of which I didn't know
S-2, l-1 masked and layer seem redundant. try my lover's face now masked by fear
S-3.l-1 delete "a"
S-3,l-4 sullied seems a bit tame . maybe something like shattered or destroyed
S-5,l-2 belief and relief...for some reason this rhyme seems TOO perfect lol. Maybe something like :that love still exists beyond present grief
Last line.....it fits but somehow seems to not convey what I think you want to say....Perhaps something like:as a new love seeker.
Hope some of this is of use .........stan PS I almost forgot to say I see your writing is improving and I think this poem displays that

thank you very, very much for the suggestions. I've done the edits.

Alid

author comment

I totally agreed with Stan's suggestions I checked the edits, This is a really good write hun, your getting there all your hard work will pay off just you wait and see

thoroughly enjoyed the read :)

love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thank you for the visit and the kind comments. I hope that everything is fine for you on the other end and I pray for your recovery after the operation. Take care, dear.

love and hugs
Alid

author comment
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