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Betrayal (Final Version for Critique and Criticism Workshop)

Original

Lying on the bed,
two bodies lay entwined.
Sacred vows are broken
Lust is served as wine

Hands exploring
Hearts dancing in delight
after so many nights
they have long been deprived

Tasting the honey-sweet sin
forgetting the poison within,
the horned devil is laughing
the traitors' fates have been sealed

Edited Version

The bed shifted
as the bodies writhed,
a staccato played against the wall,
the floor, their souls.
The air was damp
with the betrayal of their vows
as lust flowed like wine

Hands pawing greedily,
hearts dancing in celebration
as forbidden passion reignited
after so many nights
they have been deprived

Tasting the honey-sweet sin,
the risk of discovery,
forgotten in a moment's folly
while they find unspoken pleasure
in each others' company
until the darkness was dispersed
so suddenly
and their treachery was revealed.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good one Alid

raj (sublime_ocean)

As I have mentioned in the workshop thread I believe concepts and premises are also open ground for critique.

Sin is a religious concept, not a moral or legal one. It is a concept much abused. You have expressed the delight of their 'transgression" gorgeously in the second stanza. Lust is also a morally judgemental word.

Although I personally hold to 'serial monogamy', one partner at a time, it is by no means a universal concept. Culturally multiple partners is acceptable to degrees in many cultures. I congratulate you on refraining from religious proselytising at the same time as feeling that your attitudes expressed limit the range of the poem. No reason or justification the act is given. Is the subject's partner abusive ., lousy in bed

It is beautifully written

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Alright, let me break this down.

Firstly, I believe I see where you are going with describing the heated exchange as an ultimate betrayal. It’s not a new theme, but new themes are overrated and most “new” themes are just standard things covered in glitter and feathers.

Interesting to look at, but what a mess.

Overall, I believe you are successful in your attempt to portray the actions as regrettable.

One of my areas of focus is stated structure versus delivered structure. You indicate this piece is free verse but then adhere to a fairly strict line count with a cursory, at least, rhyme scheme. I bring this up because the intent of a poem is important. You can never get where you want if you don’t know where you want to go. So, your free verse makes some sacrifices in flow and structure to fit the stanza scheme you've set out. This results in some stilted language and odd word and grammar choices.

I would advise you to either implement a structure or abandon it altogether. Doing both is problematic.

Let me show you what I mean with the first stanza, recast as free verse and then as a more formal structure:

Free Verse

The bed shifted
as the bodies writhed,
a staccato played against the wall,
the floor, their souls.
The air was damp
with the betrayal of their vows
as lust flowed like wine

Structured

Bodies writhed on the bed,
Entwined in broken vows,
With lust flowing like wine
In desperate little streams.

So, what I want you to take from this:

1) Structure - make a decision and go for it without apology or worry
2) Language - once you have your structure, worry first about your message and then how the words fit your structure
3) Commitment - Don’t worry about what other folks think about your conclusions, commit to laying out your positions without equivocation
4) Critique and Examples - Use them as seeds for your creativity, not as instructions on how to write

As the author, it is up to you to decide what fits and does not fit for your work and message.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I semi agree about your advice to decide on a form and stick to it. There actually exists a form in which the poem gradually changes from one form to a totally different one as a reinforcement for a change the the "tone" of the poem. But it's pretty obvious that this is Not an attempt at morphing poetry. You have also stated that there should be no rhyming in a free verse poem. Again i think you are only partly right. In my opinion a single rhyme in a poem of this length could be used to emphasize a particular part of a free verse poem which a writer wants to point out as being important. Alas, again, I don't think the rhymes in this particular poem were placed for this reason.
Now to the many positive things about this critique :
It dealt entirely with the poem in a respectful manner
It was detailed
It gave alternatives which thus displayed there Are different ways to write something.
Most importantly you explained that any suggested changes are not and should not be taken as being a suggestion that the changes should be used word for word but, rather, as guideline showing that there are alternatives

All in all a Very good critique i think.......stan

I agree with your assessment, and I like your critique. It is comprehensive with examples and reasons which are clearly understood. You are forthright without being overbearing and your suggestions came from a desire to help the poet improve their poetry. This is the kind of critique I would like to emulate! Thank you for showing us how to do it!

Love to you

Mand xxx

I agree with you that the form is important to the message, and that this message would be better delivered as free form. I like your suggestions too....

I think, however, there's a slight semantic problem with the phrases 'free form' and 'free verse'....
I see the first as defining the format you describe, and the second, a poem of verse that holds to a traditional fixed form, but has varied feet throughout...

this form of mixed verse is what Alid is claiming, I think

Alid... even mixed verse needs to read to a pattern. Your stanzas vary, and this is what gives it the roughness... and as I said above to Jonathon, a poem's form needs to reflect the message. Just imo of course, I think the seriousness of this warrants the use of free form.... set rhythm and rhyme (at least in the format you have used) trivialises it for me....

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I think you gave Khalid's piece it's justice. It's always good to give the stracture a good attention as not many are able to do so especially when it comes to a more strict "structured form". You also provided an example/alternative which is not (IMO) always easy.
I would have told him more about the diction used. Was it good for the theme used or was something else expected.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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What I liked best about your critique is how detailed it is and the suggestions tht you offer for improvement. This, I think is what a critique should be. Thank you.

Alid

author comment

When is your next workshop?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Excellent critique and critique of critique.
I especially suggest that freeform vs structured is not an either/or choice. Rhyme and meter can be used freely in freeform poetry.

As with Wesley, I wonder if you would consider running a workshop, Jonathon. Your honesty and integrity are in valuable. Your knowledge of poetry is extensive (with the exception of meter). You could choose any topic you like and we would be most grateful. You have always been a tough, honest and invaluable member of Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

although I know you're hesitant about it. I would join any subject. Your insights are well arranged and relevant.
Please, consider it.
You can PM me with your thoughts on the subject.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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