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Betrayal (an acrostic) edited

Submitted by Candlewitch on Mon, 2012-04-09 11:20

Betryal

Bending meanings you are
Ever the artist
Trying within your mind
Rationalizing and twisting every nuance
As you go after your desire, disregarding
Your loyalty and devotion
Always seeing to your own needs first
Love is eaten by the lion of your lust

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

another poem from the manuscript "Mirror/rorriM" that I am getting read for publishing. I appreciate all the help you are willing to give. Thanks in advance, Cat.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-04-09 11:42

hi cat

i like this cat
very smooth transitions from line to line
but i found it a little hard on the eye and the smoothness of the write with the capital letters and space in the first words of the line

imho an acrostic shouldn't stand out as one - should be more subtle...
just me

lol - nothing else to crit
excellent as usual xx
love
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 10:58

Dear Beau,

Thank you for your time and feedback. I know your time is limited, so I am doubly honored. When is your workshop on Constructive Feedback? Am I too late to join?

always grateful, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 11:37

Dear Beau,

I look forward to your first workshop. I am in need of improvement of my critiquing skills.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 10:53

Dear Judy,

Thank you so much for your help. As you suggested, I have removed the spaces between. Have a great day :)

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 11:01

To Lonnie,

My loyal reader :)
Thank you for your continued support. I know I can always count on you.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Mon, 2012-04-09 14:56

OO I've never done one of

OO I've never done one of those,

BUT
better
utter a
try

I had better try. Just spooking.
You did well as far as I know.
Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 11:03

Dear Ann,

I'm sure you would be good at any type of poetry you put your hand to. You have the way with words, the Midas touch with poetry.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-04-11 02:47

Cat

I am going to be naughty and answer yours with another I am timed out so must use the comments, La La.
Your Acrostic is well written and reads well mine is silly fun , Yours Ian.T

I was supposed to put the chicken fillet inside the bra not as an inplant

A
Cup
Held snug
In my hands
Careful no spills
Keep the thing level
Even if the world spins
Now we can get to the point
Felt the world turn today
It was because of you
Laughing at my way
Letting me in
Each day
Ta

Hope this transfers as it should or I would have dropped a boob LOL
Take care Sparrow is the one to blame ????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-04-10 11:34