Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Betrayal

Lying on the bed,
two bodies lay entwined.
Sacred vows are broken
Lust is served as wine

Hands exploring
Hearts dancing in delight
after so many nights
they have long been deprived

Tasting the honey-sweet sin
forgetting the poison within,
the horned devil is laughing
the traitors' fates have been sealed

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am trying out imagery. Not sure how well it goes, though. Any ideas for improvement, anyone?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am running on fumes its nearly three am here I will come back I have a couple of suggestions in mind, I think they could improve the flow the inconsistent rhyme makes the rhythm jerky, it could be that I am tired so I will return with a fresh mind tomorrow night and see what I cant offer you.

I like the theme I think it will be a good poem when its had a few tweaks

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

ok. you take care now. have a good rest.

Alid

author comment

Still here trying to go but I keep getting messages, seeya tonight or today actually lol

nighters

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

don't forget to help me with the poem "betrayal".

love and hugs
Alid

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.