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Beloved bloody river.

The rivulets now thinned
from bulge to scampering
water, tapering down.

Copper blood colour flows
from tails the mountain told
of floods past, before the dry.

It's drills, puddle-fills
paradiddles of wet
percussive laughter.

Longing for the river,
then the sea, I walk against
the current,

but my mind electric, flows
back down, among the
moss and stone.

Awaiting sand coloured light
of evening and the gloaming
light to roam.

It's winter here, but smells
like spring, with wet
sod and turf and air.

That earth-perfumery fills
every scared cell,
until I’m eased to silence.

Then up from the track,
down the valley clear:
where voices of people suddenly appear,
and your story ends.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Hobart town Rivulet, finally running after much needed rain and snow.
Editing stage: 

Comments

i in hast read lover
I thought twas a poetry
on lovedly

so many compose on me
i follow you
do you follow me
have you ever read my waffly poetry
do kindly
at times it s fragrance spreads far and wide
but only at times

sOME one asked me of colours this was my view

ONLY THE BACKGROUND COLOUR
OUGHT NOT TO BE YELLOW
ITS FOR COWARDS

USE COLOURs BRIGHT
RED OR GREEN MAY BE BLUE
THE SKY'S EVERLASTING HUE
how did I do!

The tails the mountain tells, refer to the "tailings" or piles left over from mining, which in a flood still give the river colour a bloody hue to my eye, regardless of this, the music of the water as it dances and sings and flows can be heard in as many ways as you like.

Take care,

Chris :)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

unassailable
too
like me and you

I really like your turns of phrase -- "... from bulge to scampering water" ... "... paradiddles of wet percussive laughter." Your end note about the Hobart rivulet running after much needed rain and snow helped me understand the meaning of your poem. My only suggestion is to introduce the idea of "drought" early on, then it will become obvious that the rest that follows is the relief thereof.
Well done. Thank you.

Mike

in the second verse Mike, gives context to the tail the mountain told - and rightly gives it more narrative consistency as in the dry to the great wet, something we know only too well down under - thanks for your input.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Chris:
In the second verse, do you mean "tale" instead of "tail"? Just askin'.
Thanks ... Mike

Tailings, telltale signs of mounds/pollution that are dispersed downriver was the pun, I know it's just a homophone and strictly doesn't read tale, as you would expect, but that was what I was going for, as in:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/british-columbia/fresh-tailings-pond...

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

a new word for me (a rare occurrence for me, not bragging, just a large vocabulary, I never fail to look up words I don't know) and brilliantly used.
Love the poem, sorry, no crit, quite a gem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Being a drummer ;) don't know what came first, tapping out drum patterns probably pre-dates my interest in poetry, and is an obvious stepping stone to studying patterns of syllables in metrical beats, I suppose..

Thanks, means a lot coming from you.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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