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Befriending An Orchard
Indeed, an orchard on the road
I traveled far to know its scent
The orchard is the fruits abode
And trees; the fallen apples' tent
In walking 'long an orchard row
Befriending apples on the way
And talking things the apples know
And hearing things they have to say
A simple orchard on the road
I traveled far to glean its ways
And sang a song; an apple ode
Then bade farewell and parted ways...
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ali Zonach
Thu, 2017-06-08 13:22
Love it;
just a little misspell; you mean "sang" not sand? And maybe "bade" farewell? (past tense of bid) Sweet little poem.
Ali
Race_9togo
Thu, 2017-06-08 23:06
Hi Basya,
I seldom comment on poetry whose author does not want raw truth - we are a poetry workshop, after all - but I just want to tell you how good I think this is.
Very, very reminiscent of Khayyam, in its emotional evocation. Powerful, with simple structure, excellent word choice (one or two spelling gaffs, that's all), and the cadence and rhythm are very good.
Good stuff; you have either been writing poetry for awhile (like most of us!), or you have a natural talent. Either way, keep it up; I'm reading it all.
Bookmarked.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Eumolpus
Fri, 2017-06-09 11:31
your poem
a very nice work, just delights.
If you don't know it check out After Apple-Picking by Robert Frost. You might like it.
I think you should end it with a period, not....
And, just for another stanza, I would have loved to hear what the apples said to you!
Thanks
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Keith Logan
Fri, 2017-06-09 12:27
Thank you
In the world of show business, as any old trooper will tell you, always leave them begging for more. In my opinion this stands well as it is, not requiring further explanation. By the way, the title is a hoot.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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wesley snow
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:05
I will still offer the raw truth.
It is satisfying to read a poem in a structured form. The meter and rhyme do me good.
The subject matter is original, but it could use a little proofreading as stated above. Some typographical gaffs distract from the form.
I did love it though. Good to see "poetry" and not free verse.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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