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Beauty In The Darkness (Oct contest)

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2015-10-04 01:19

When the night returns,
the world is filled with silence
as the moon's gentle glow
lit the dreams that flow.

Somewhere out there, lovers gather,
admiring the heavenly cluster
dazzling like little diamonds in the sky
as their hopes spread their wings and fly.

A young mother cradles her baby
who yawns and sleeps peacefully
in the arms of a lifetime of bliss
and a love, sealed with a kiss.

I send my prayers for friends, from far and near
whom I never met but my heart holds dear,
the companions who share their magic with me
in the realm of images in true poetry.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
DAY or NIGHT

Comments

raj

Sun, 2015-10-04 06:51

Good contest post Alid...

A couple of suggestions if I may

replacing "spreading" with "dazzling" in L3 S2
find a closer rhyme instead of "serve" to rhyme more perfectly with "love" in L4 S3

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Sun, 2015-10-04 10:56

alidzain's picture

raj..

Alid

author comment

raj

Sun, 2015-10-04 14:23

Good to know the suggestions worked for you..to me this reads even better now..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Sun, 2015-10-04 14:25

alidzain's picture

for pointing it out in the first place.:D

Alid

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2015-10-04 10:52

weirdelf's picture
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Just loved the poem and felt it deserved a read, It expresses emotion without descending into maudlin sentimentality. shows how strict adherence to form in not always necessary for the best effect.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/beauty-in-the-darkness-oct
Hope you enjoy the read,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

alidzain

Sun, 2015-10-04 13:35

alidzain's picture

I am glad you loved it and I'm honoured that you have chosen to let others hear you read it.

Alid

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2015-10-04 15:39

weirdelf's picture
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I often find it helps to hear my work spoken by someone else, it gives an idea of how different accents change stress and meter. I hope my Aussie accent didn't throw you off! [grins]. Southern States of America have a very different sense of accenting stressed syllables, I suspect it is the French influence. French uses long and short syllables instead of stressed syllables for meter.

SoundCloud is a free, easy to use app that can link to social networks too, if you choose and it is archival. All you need is a microphone.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

alidzain

Sun, 2015-10-04 18:21

alidzain's picture

if you think my poem is good enough, go ahead and do it. I'll be very honoured and it will urge me to write more good poems.

Alid

author comment

Rula

Wed, 2015-10-14 12:35

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Khalid. I thought you've captured some of the night's images.
Wish you the best in the contest.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Wed, 2015-10-14 12:42

alidzain's picture

for the time, the read and the comment.

Alid

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Geezer

Wed, 2015-10-14 15:02

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is truly, a special time for a lot of folks. you have shown us a bit of the hopes and wishes that are made in that time. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

alidzain

Wed, 2015-10-14 15:21

alidzain's picture

glad you liked it.

Alid

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