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a beautiful life going waste

I am wasting this beautiful life
sleeping all day all night
the snows keep me indoors
as I am not independent
but this laps top befriends me
more than does my own kith and kin
i reveal my inner self to the world
far and wide
and within my shell of loneliness
then i slide
i can't that hide

a lovely dog they give me as a present
in this self wrought prison
I think tis the best present
as words flow out of me
like the Niagara
which also now has been rendered solid
if you want to melt my words
do use a candle.

AND AS SONNETIZED BY JUDY

I’m wasting here this beautiful free trip
I sleep the day away, and then all night
the cold and snows contain a certain nip
it seems I’m not immune, now, to their bite

I’m weary, through each day I seem to slide
I struggle with the fear and I am torn
within my shell of loneliness I hide
in this, my self-made prison, I’m forlorn

but see - my lap-top has befriended me
as too, a dog – ‘twas gifted by my kin -
they help reveal my inner self and free
the thoughts that seek attention from within

to melt my words, use candles and be kind
for, as they flow from me, my soul’s entwined

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

One of your better writes, is this part of your life dulling through, (Shinning through if it was good)
If so communicate more and those that you talk with will be more than a mere candle.
Take care young Bard,
Yours as always, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

flame burn out my light
as readers go in sane
and my works don't go
or blow out
in van

author comment

I had a blow out in a van,
the front nearside went bang,
Dropped me in a ditch
My did I bitch
But was unscathed
My air bags did me save,
Keep writing young Bard
You see it isn't that hard'
Now to the edits for you,
Judy will see you through,
Her edit is in excellence
At no cost of golden pence
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I like this loved
Well written
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

you pass it without an edit
i must have improved ere

author comment

This was poignant and so well written, Many of us can relate,

joe

I feel the Niagara
in my veins flow
when I come to know
what good about me
Joe says so

author comment

what do you think of this?
.
.

I’m wasting here this beautiful free trip
I sleep the day away, and then all night
the cold and snows contain a certain nip
it seems I’m not immune, now, to their bite

I’m weary, through each day I seem to slide
I struggle with the fear and I am torn
within my shell of loneliness I hide
in this, my self-made prison, I’m forlorn

but see - my lap-top has befriended me
as too, a dog – ‘twas gifted by my kin -
they help reveal my inner self and free
the thoughts that seek attention from within

to melt my words, use candles and be kind
for, as they flow from me, my soul’s entwined

----------------------------------

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Kindly post it as an example
for others who wish to read and scan
and use it as a sample
to sonnets learn and plan

author comment

Your ideas and theme and message
your poem is beautiful as it is
This is a different form of it, is all

Feel free to do what you like with it
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

shall post it side by side
as joint effort
once i get back

author comment

I really like this one. It is well crafted and I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Love to you

Mand xxx

ha ha...I can be a critique too!! I got great lines!!
Serious! this is poetry! its your perspective and the way you write
that grebs my attention..
Do I really think so?
yes....Everyone is value..everyone is great
but then some have a perspective that
just has something more
cant greatly desirbie it

maybe experience
or natural ability
Poetry is a gift
or a dicipline

there is a huge difference
here....
I did not have it as intuition
and I did not work much
hard at it like others..

but in this mid range
I can see
off along the road
and on the road
the walk style of many
through the years..

Voice...
there..
you have a distinct
voice

thank you!

decipher between distinct and extinct
you enliven me Esker
all know ye and me
and
our two levels of poetry
yours above me
ASK
Stan, Ian and Judy
Even Joe
maybe

author comment

the vivid picture you created nicely stuck by Judyanne in a gilt frame is what i found worthy of note

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

sublime in the_ ocean

author comment

to compare the styles.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Sir
you came by

author comment

Make me feel as a poet

of neopoet

author comment
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