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A Beautiful Dream

If only this world is mine,
I will paint it in brilliant colours
of hopes and dreams, born in time
to spread the joy of love and kindness.

I will travel to all the lands
where hunger reigns over a nation.
I will slice off its gripping hands
to end its dominion

I will vanquish the flames of war,
send greedy rulers into exile.
The nightmares they've spawned no more,
the peace no longer be defiled

Alas, the moon can't grow in the garden
and my desire is naught, but a dream.
When the glorious sunlight returns
the face of reality will be revealed

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

when you get married
I dare you to have an independent dream
where none can hear hers
ur better halves scream

till ur solo
enjoy bed polo
when ur md
tell me what happened!
to ur solitary dream

okay alidz>?

you're scaring me. lol.. I think the idea of marriage is to find someone who'll support your dreams and can inspire you in life, not to kill your dream but to share it with you. come now, surely it isn't that bad. look at Stan's poetry about his wife, its lovely. In the end it all comes down to who you choose to be
your life partner.

Alid

author comment

AMERICANS
THREE BILLIONS
hope u r as lucky you
best wishes to find a suity one
to you

thank you.

Alid

author comment

Dream on, as reality is cruel and unthinking.
There are some out there that think only the good things but is that a dream, my Children friends are in a place where all things are seeking perfection and maybe to us they are already in perfection..
A hope for things to come you just keep dreaming, good write there young traveller, great to walk with you,
Yours, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

thanks for the visit and encouraging words.

Alid

author comment

As to if you meet someone.
I always use to say that in our village of a few hundred, there would be at least one you could spend your life with,
Then in the town down the road there would be a few dozen that would be eligible for the post.
Now to the cities that I seldom go how many thousands I don't know.
Come on there are 7000 million people on this world, how many now do you think would love you for always ????? Lol.
The many are there for you it just needs a little look with morning fresh eyes,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

thanks for the encouragement.

Alid

author comment

If only the world were as beautiful as your poem, nice work. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

for the visit and the feedback.

Alid

author comment

It is, frankly, rather childish, shallow and worst of all self-defeating.
Childish because any child would say the same thing, in a less well-crafted and sophisticated way, of course.
Shallow because it doesn't examine the causes and possible solutions to hunger, war and tyranny.
Self-defeating because of those last two lines, what is the least bit 'glorious' about a 'reality' of illusion and delusion about the inevitability of famine, war and tyrrany that it should be considered 'redeemed'?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

firstly, thank you for the visit, let me address this one by one in my own view.
there's always a child in all of us. When it comes to dreaming or imagining, I intend to cater to a child's thoughts abit. Easier for me to emphasize.

"Shallow because it doesn't examine the causes and possible solutions to hunger, war and tyranny."
The only possible solution to end war and tyranny, is to get rid of the ones instigating them, in this case the leaders. I did say that in one of the stanzas. The only solutions for hunger, well is for those who have more to share, change the economic structure or the leaders. Admittedly, I am not sure if I can write all of them and still remain true to the title. The theme is 'a beautiful dream'. Ii felt that I need to keep it simple.

"Self-defeating because of those last two lines, what is the least bit 'glorious' about a 'reality' of illusion and delusion about the inevitability of famine, war and tyrrany that it should be considered 'redeemed'?"
If you read again, the 'glorious' refers to the sunlight, as in the light that spread so vast, it forces you see the reality around you. that word is not describing the reality itself. 'redeemed'...hmmm perhaps 'revealed' would be a better word.

Thanks anyway for the critique.

Alid

author comment

It is interesting how we can read works so very differently.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

you're most welcome.

Alid

author comment

so I tended to like the work, but be careful... sentimental can turn to sap. Your ending solved that unpleasantly.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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thanks for the visit and comments.

Alid

author comment

Alid be prepared
to sit on the burning chair
but beware
uniquity very minuscule will share
you have to spread like a fish net
to catch all the fish
as you dream
the neopoets to fish
and relish ur dish

thanks for the advice.

Alid

author comment
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