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Barn Boys

We were sitting on a fence
me and my buddy
just hanging out
he said he wanted to be a farmer
I laughed, kind of a snortle
he was the laziest guy I ever met

it must have pissed him off, my laughing
he stopped hanging out

last I heard, he became a cop

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Now, this isn't a put down of cops I'm not one of those anti-cop douche bags. It's just me appreciating the HARD WORK of farming
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't know how the poem sounded in your head. In mine, it was stiled and uneven and it's all because I had to struggle to find the pacing.

I wanted to like this piece more than I liked it and it has nothing to do with the sentiment or word choices and everything to do with the lack of structure.

As an example, by changing nothing more than the stanza layout and punctuation:

We were sitting on a fence,
me and my buddy,
just hanging out.

He said
he wanted to be a farmer.
I laughed,
kind of a snortle,
he was the
laziest guy I ever met.

It must have pissed him off,
my laughing,
he stopped hanging out.

Last I heard,
he became a cop.
-------------------------------

Structure can aid in pacing and flow. Line breaks are great for those half pauses in a conversation. Commas, semi-colons, and periods are more direct. As a rule, avoid ellipsis and exclamation points.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

What a striking difference, and effect, your restructuring has accomplished.
I certainly will be more aware of this aspect of writing than I have been,
although it's a little scary realizing that I might lack the prerequisite intuition for "structure"
I hope it won't be a fatal flaw , like a singer having a great voice and feeling, but no sense of intonation. Some things can't (or are incredibly hard) to remedy.

your critique was profoundly valuable.
thank you

Al

author comment

Add in breaks for mini pauses like taking a break. For full pauses, use a comma. When the thought is complete, tell your reader with the appropriate punctuation mark.

Lastly, read your work aloud, as if you are having a conversation.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

Add in breaks for mini pauses like taking a break. For full pauses, use a comma. When the thought is complete, tell your reader with the appropriate punctuation mark.

Lastly, read your work aloud, as if you are having a conversation.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

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