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Ball

What are you doing on the floor in animated
conversation with someone else, while the
music plays and the bodies twirl with
each measure, steps taken not alone, every
hand a pair in embrace, why don't you enjoy
this human harmony with me? You are downstairs,
and I, I'm up here, studying you as though you were
an interesting specimen - a thing to be adored
and untouched, why? I am unmasked, and all
intentions are revealed in my eyes and the folds
of my face, I should hide behind something,
another falsehood; I should wear a lie
to come and take your hands. I should be
quick on fastened wings, even as the music plays
and the lilies, locked in pairs, floating
on the surface of the pool twirl to the measures
that are played, coats and gowns and all.
I should swoop from my perch,
where I see you stand oblivious to my presence,
where I watch you stand out - my prey - I should
make the kill and tear you from his grasp into
my own. But I am unmasked. Someone has stolen my guise,
I am myself right now, not that mystery that you'd love
to seize you in the middle of the night - I may not please
as once I did behind a veil, I am revealed in all my awkwardness.
I am not the tale you keep of the past, locked in memory
like that drug you hold in a vial, no I am me, bone, flesh,
kinky hair and a funny breath. This is me, in old clothes,
sandals and stilted conversation- something to laugh at.
Did you know I cannot even dance without some spirit
in my veins?
I cannot talk to you without a mask. Unless I am bravely
stupid. Which I am, sometimes, when the music gets the better
of my thinking. I may need another drink before I jump.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Hi, I have another one I really need feedback from. I'm trying a different style of writing here...I really want to know what you think of this poem. What it means to you, how you react to it, all that you can give. Thanks.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yes, this is different from yours. It is strange that no one has YET commented . A bit lengthy prose-poetry which is not my best cup of tea but I really like this. I could feel the pain, so I just wish this is all fiction.
If I can suggest anything it is to do some culling unless it is your intention is to give the reader the same details in different ways. I think this is really meant to be a descriptive piece. It is indeed.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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This "prose-poem" is meant to be very descriptive. I was trying to do some stream-of-consciousness writing, so there's a lot of repetition in it...needless in some cases, I think, but it adds to the feel of the poem. I still want to read your suggestions. They usually prove insightful.

It's got a bit of truth in it, but the setting is fictional.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

but my eyes read only 15 lines
so I gave up now I see it was my loss

loved

Was it difficult to read? The physical arrangement of the verses make it look dense...too dense for my liking actually. But this is an experiment, so tell me all you can about this poem; the good, the bad?

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

This one stands out from the pack, and blares its trumpet-blast into the face of the reader! Intense, powerful, and filled with vibrant imagery that sears the eye and makes it weep with poetic joy! Great job!

I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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