Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Back To School

Every time I go to school
I see teacher looking cool
Holding a cane at the gate
As I run behind my mate.

Every time I go to school
I see students at the pool
Many run across the lane
When the teacher holds a cane.

Every time I go to school
Mummy sits down on the stool
Selling pap to the people
While I make my way simple.

Every time I go to school
My body heavy as wool
Always shedding tears like rain
Before I decide to reign.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Im a little confused by "decided to reign". Is it like how as a kid you are powerless and teaches cane you, but then as an adult you have power over the next generation? I like heavy as wood and how it connects with the cane imagery

You seem to struggle with rhyme scheme pattern here:

In stanza1. 'School & cool', 'gate & gate' are irregular rhyme. There's no fixed pattern!

Stanza4. 'School' & 'wood' does not rhyme in any way.

And lastly, the basic rhythmic structure of the lines was extended. Take a look at stanza 2, line 4. Stanza 3 line 2. And stanza 4 line 3. This truly, affected the pacing.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

struggled with this one, especially the lines saying that "Holding a cane at the gate
. Then I run toward the gate".
How about trying; Holding a cane at the gate
. Then I ran, I couldn't wait.

Don't hurry, think about what to write and make sense. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I like it.

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment

and welcome to Neopoet.

In general I like this little poem. I see a slice of nigerian life, when I read it, and it shows how so many aspects of life are universal, no matter what part of our planet we are on.
You do have some problems in places (Onyinyechi (Jackweb) pointed out 'school' and 'wood') but I think in general that this is working pretty well.
One thing I will tell you, is that Nigerian poets are some of the best in our world, and that they bring differences in wording and structure to poetry that I think are wonderful. Do not be afraid to write as a Nigerian, with Nigerian perspective, and Nigerian phrasing and sentence structure.
But you do need to watch for grammatical and syntactical errors, like this:

"Every time I go to school
I see teacher looking cool
Holding a cane at the gate
Then I run toward the gate"

the first three lines are present tense, happening as we read them, but the final line reads as if it is in the past, which can be confusing to some people. If you replace the word "Then" with the word "As", or the word "Before", It makes the entire verse happen in the 'now', as it were, and I think that would make the focus and the immediacy better.
Or, you could use Geezer's suggestion, which would do the same thing, and make the line much less repititious, as well.

The same thing is happening in the last verse, with 'Then I decided to reign". If you use "But then I decide to reign", again it would be in the present, and have more impact. I love that last line by the way, and what you are trying to say with it. It's a wonderful image.

So, take some time to consider how to change this poem without changing the meaning, because in terms of meaning, imagery and impact, I think it works well.
Hope this helps!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I really like your comment.

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.