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Autumn Moonlight Caress

Night has fallen, separating
her and I with miles of darkness
yet when I gaze up at new stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my carress in moonlight.

New version:-

Night has fallen, separating
her and I with miles of darkness;
yet when I gaze at endless stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my touch in moonlight.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is my first attempt at a passion poem, in the complimentary form devised by Pugilist (Jonathon). Gulp!

Comments

More , more , I want to read more !!! Lol
Great job.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I think you will see some more of these, from me; I like the format, and the impact.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

One of the best short writes i've read in a while. Only thing i"d do differently is move " seperating " to the start of second line kudos.......scribbler

I appreciate your comment and opinion.
This is a poem that I wrote as an excercise, and the form in which I wrote it does not permit the moving of that word to the next line. But I see what you mean; as a truly freeform poem, that is what I would do, too.
Thanks again.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Your title has given me an idea for a new poem, thanks.........scribbler

omg...not going there, not going there!
LMAO
Thanks Shirl, for your lovely comment.
:)

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I try, heehee.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Jim,

First, excellent job overall. The title both gives purpose and direction and the flow of the poem, in general, is excellent.

I believe you've caught the essence of passion poetry in focusing on a moment and the emotional reaction. I have found that much of passion poetry has a wistful nature which, for me, connects more deeply than the perfection most love poetry describes.

So, again, good job on adhering to the form and capturing the intent and creating a compelling image.

Now, for the issues. Line 6 is a syllable long and I am stumbling on line 3 and I believe it's a matter of trying to find the words to convey the intent that fit the pattern and still flow like natural speech.

But this is what I love about structured poetry.

So, for line 3, for me "new stars" creates a stumble where it is, yet line 4 is dependent on "stars" being the last word and we've only got a syllable to play with but then I see the word "up" which we can trim, thus giving us 2 syllables. I really wanted to use the word "untouched" here to capture and extend the intent of "new" but we have line 6, a syllable long and since we have "caress" in the title, a word that is perfect for passion poetry, we can substitute "touch" in line 6 and both preserve the style and reinforce the action. So "untouched" makes "touch" repetitive so I went to the Thesaurus and discard many words before trying "flawless" and while not a perfect fit, it's growing on me.

Lastly, I modified some punctuation to control the flow a bit more and try to replication the natural pace of a conversation.

These are, of course, merely ideas and suggestions. You, as the author, will decide if they are worthwhile and perhaps use them to define your own solutions and modifications.

So, here is the poem recast with the above indicated modifications.

-----------------------------------------------
Autumn Moonlight Caress

Night has fallen; separating
her and I with miles of darkness,
yet when I gaze at flawless stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes,
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my touch in moonlight.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

First, thank you very much, both for the critque, and the positive reinforcement, both are much appreciated.

Line 6: I can only plead hurried slopiness. I did in fact change that line when I realized it had one syllable too many, but failed to save it after making the change.

Line three. Yes, I see what you mean, "new stars" does stumble, and on reflection, "new" is too vague and too passive,as well.
Yet I don't like "flawless" either. I tried "perfect", but it's too choppy too, and "rising", but that's more of the moon than stars, but then again, it fits with the title...
But I think "endless" is the word I really want. It reflects what I feel about the gleam on the next line, if you see what I mean.

The last line...yes, "touch" is the best choice, for the reasons you stated.

I see why you like the limitations of rigidly structured poetry. It forces me to think more about cadence and flow, and pushes me to explore a wider set of words, as alternatives for others.

I have put the edited version below the original, instead of replacing it, as I would like others to see the differences.

Thanks again, Jonathon, for your critique.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

"Flawless" was not the best fit, agreed, and "Endless" is a better choice for that line. Well done.

As far as critique I am happy to do it and pleased that you gave the form a try and that you found value in it.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Taking in Jonathans suggestions,
I can not think of a thing to change.
The picture is perfectly whimsical
and full of soft passion.
I love this short poem.
The only thing.. Carress in the title
should be caress. (love the title too)
I have to mark this one so I can come back
to read it again and again.
Always,
Tonya

I am very pleased that you enjoyed it so much. "Carress"...ouch, that made me cringe. Changed it. I left the original too, new version's underneath the old one.
Thank you for your kind comments.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Great one here also Jim. I love this

Mona

Glad you liked it so much!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Glad that you enjoyed this so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

but i'm bookmarking this
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks Judy, I am happy you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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