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Autumn leaf..Edit advice Jess and Ian

Be not alone
all are lonely,

somewhere in the vastness of eternity
someone calls out instantly
still we say wait
time hasn't come yet
then the loneliness vanishes

the unknown comes in one’s dreams
and screams
where have you been!
one says
are you now asking
an autumn leaf?

the invisible one smiles alongside
now tis autumn
there is no surprise

hope you too will be
some day
flying about
side beside

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

with your poetry, as excellent as it often is, is that it is so self-obsessed.
Get over it.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

but my mind dictates
what is the remedy
Sir Jess?

loved

author comment

you are a whinging/whining self-obsessed excuse for a poet if your weren;t such a pathetic attention seeker.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
Critique For New And Old
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-new-and-old

regards whining gggggggggggggggg????

loved

author comment

Over the past few months, there have been a few poems that have had leanings toward the self and how you are coping.
The theme of this one, had it not taken the self pathway, would have been fine, the sojourn toward the end of days we all experience as with love has to be portrayed in a fine way or the whole thing becomes a self indulged whine.
Read this aloud to yourself, read the harsh statement from Jess, then you will travel on with the knowledge that this is not how you present a good theme.
Hey I saw some other comment that told you to take yourself out of the write on another piece.
Many times we have had a go at Joe for slipping into that hole of apathy, that ruins what we know as a very good poet, I don't want your work to become the same..
Yours with all the support you need, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

this piece was consequent to another poets poetry
on autumn leaf
shall try to repeal

loved

author comment

An autumn leaf

Be not alone
all are lonely,

somewhere in the vastness of eternity
someone calls out instantly
still we say wait
time hasn't come yet
then the loneliness vanishes

the unknown comes in one’s dreams
and screams
where have you been!
one says
are you now asking
an autumn leaf

the invisible one smiles alongside
now tis autumn
there is no surprise
hope you too will be
some day
flying about
side beside

loved

author comment

this has made the whole thing better, the theme is the same line but now the poem is more pure.
Great job now edit the main with this one and wait to see what Jess says.
Take care young Bard, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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