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Autumn Afternoon (Final for Prose to Poetry Workshop)

From the original:

Anni, (Cloudthings) new Prose entry:

When I sit on a verandah in the autumn afternoon, watching the leaves glow chrimson or saffron bright in the late, rich sunlight, I wonder what it is that makes our hearts echo that glow so deeply?

Sitting in my back room, writing letters to a friend, long absent, playing “artist in residence” in Korea, I gaze out my big window to get lost in the swaying, shifting mass of gum leaves against the sky. Again, mesmerized and somehow fulfilled and inspired by the interplay of tree and weather.

Perched beneath the weathered stumps of old steps leading down from the dunes, I cannot resist the trance-like state that overwhelms my senses, siren-like, I vaguely consider. In the end, there is no point in knowing why, it is a gift that nature brings us meditation in such a natural way.
----------------------------------------
(Mine)
Poetry from prose:

Autumn Afternoon

view from my front porch
affords me vistas
of
the Autumn seasons
cornucopia
of vibrant folage
as my heart dances
along with the journey
of the falling
wind blown leaves

later in my room
scribing letters
to my artist friend
on a far away shore
gazeing out my window
I see the wind has rissen
by the mutable movement
of leaves against
the background of
billowing clouds
moving across the sky
and my amazement of nature
is monumentally increased

once again I sit in repose
upon the bottom of the old steps
weathered by elements and age
which begs lead me to sandy knolls
my mind is taken to
peaceful places of pleasure
as I accept this gift of nature
serenity is mine

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks to all who put in their suggestions! always, Cat
Editing stage: 

Comments

but i like it,nicely done cat

still is prose in parts, to my interpretation of 'it'

but that's not to detract from the loveliness of the write
just a comment for workshop purposes

love judy
\xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for your critique. This is pretty much a nature piece, which I am not a practiced hand at. I found it very difficult to lose all the prose. But I think it works for the most part. I had help from you and Stan, Thanks, guys!

always, Cat

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author comment

A good example of small changes making a large difference. In my limited experience it's pretty rare to Not have a bit of prose scattered about............stan

for all the help and sticking with me.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Waiting for the workshop people to show up and critique...

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

They'll get here don't worry lol...........stan

Even this post has 2 versions of the poem
My only real crit is that you did not make it enough your own.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I deleted one, and left the original and the final. This one is the final edit.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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