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Assuasive

First Tell
You need not let me live! You need not allow me end of my own doing and by my own hand. Unhand me that I may present myself worthy an heir of earth's riches in her wealth, I may be a nuisance, some sort of parasite perching and feeding my worth and my honour on rows of clouds manifested as portals to a predestined latter end. Chastise me while growing a spine, and sit, watch me use curls of agitated wordings and utterances to break you right back to your element: Call me an enzyme I dare you.

Second Tell
I may be a little late for the reunion, but I still gave a pitch perfect presentation of how best a pest as myself has over the course of my billion comic milliseconds endures such affective tyranny. I am myself but of a higher chair, I am myself but never caught in the most immoral of all immoral acts; To think one, say the other but then do nothing. Meanwhile on the other hand, you are you! Yourself, never of a glorified sense, never of convention or of a norm, but vile, vain, vicious and violent through and through.

Third Tell
I will pray for the damned soul that you are, I will fast, and I will rent my garments, I will lay in ashes and be subject to boils, dirt, sickness, mockery, ridicule and utter dejection from my own kind, I will lay my honour in service of making sure you live a day longer; for that is the soul you spat and smothered, that is the one very vessel you sought to break and shatter.

Fourth Tell
You knew I was a glitter within cracks, a cheer within a melancholy, you knew I had nothing but the potentials to illuminate a dark misguided convent such as yours even in my worst days, you knew I was a galaxy, you knew I had nothing but luminance, the shine, the bright and the very essence of a horizon; presenting and providing a cardinal and outright view of what you truly are: A Perfect And Well Woven Sweater Of Hate And Loneliness, but of course as always, I Saw The Blessing That You Are, I Saw The Grace Shone On You, I Simply Saw A Nimbus In Place Of The Hate You Placed On Me: A Stigmata That Was Thought To Be Me.

Resolute Tell
Now watch me, take a brisk stare, look up and behold the same piece you tossed and threw for the offence that I was, for the profanity I appeared to be. Now, I am of the utmost satisfaction and fulfilment that I nursed you to the gratifying consequence that you are: For Grace Has Been Given You. For we played our game, and I came out on top, I won, I beat you to life, I was sprung up from naught to my one divinely ordinated rebirth.

- A. A. Oyegbade

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I'm sorry, but I don't consider this to be poetry. it reads like issues lined up for debate.

* regards, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank you

author comment

This piece lack poetic merit. And there's no aesthetic value in the composition.
I'm sorry, is just my observation.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Thank you.

author comment

Welcome to Neopoet.
I like the title,
your language use is very good,
The cadence ( rhythm) is not very good,
I like the theme very much,
The beggining and ending are good,
The internal logic is good too.

Your poem fails simply because it does not read as poetry, because it isn't structured like a poem.
Structure in poetry - particularly freeverse poetry like this, is very important. Placing individual sentences, or parts of them, on their own line in a poem changes the focus of the poem, its impact, and often its meaning.

I don't usually do this, and I fully expect that your edit would be quite different from mine, but given the quality of your writing, I think its worth doing:

First Tell

You need not let me live!
You need not allow me end
of my own doing and by my own hand.
Unhand me
that I may present myself worthy
an heir of earth's riches in her wealth,
I may be a nuisance,
some sort of parasite
perching and feeding my worth
and my honour on rows of clouds
manifested as portals to a predestined latter end.
Chastise me while growing a spine,
and sit,
watch me use curls of agitated wordings
and utterances to break you
right back to your element:
Call me an enzyme
I dare you.

Do you see what I mean? The descriptiveness of your words is so much more powerful when the lines are broken up because each now focuses more sharply in the reader's mind. The meaning is clearer and more powerful too, and the cadence and flow of your words adds even more power to their meaning.
I like that last line, btw...Call me an enzyme....I dare you. LOL. It's funny, and deep, at the same time.
I'm looking forward to see what ypu do with this. It's got a lot of potential, and I enjoy Nigerian poetry, Its brings a unique perspective to our world, while at the same time showing us how similar we all really are, no matter where we live.
I hope this helps.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you so much. You just made me realise that there's something called "Meter Lines" in poetry.....
"Prosody" also.
And without your comment, I wouldn't have known these lot, because I had to go check what free verse in poetry is, and from there I got some other terms and definitions and meanings of explanations added to me while I read through.

Although there was a space before posting for me to identify how I'd want my piece be read, I purposely ignored because I thought as a work of art that poetry entirely is, and as vast and dynamic that it is, i always thought one shouldn't be showed or told how to read or understand a piece of poetry simply because that means showing or giving the audience what you want them to think and not what they think or see as they ready through.

I studied Fine Arts in the University, and im thankful for the knowledge I was and still am blessed with.
It is advised in my line of visual art to not explain how an artwork is or should be.

And in art(visual) It is not only advised but highly encouraged that art be displayed without any explanation or definition to it, and by so doing, everyone and anyone who comes in contact with the said art is left with the meaning and definition of what they see through the art placed or mounted before them.

My poems as I see them and would want them to be are to be without explanation or some hint of some sort as to how I want my audience to read or understand- For Being An Art.

I stand corrected.
But thank you so much, Race.
Thank you.

author comment

This is what we do here at Neopoet, teaching each other to become better poets.
I completely agree, art need not be explained, and should not be. That is why I hestitated, in editing The First Tell. But Neopoet is first and foremost a workshop. We post our poetry for other poets, not general audiences, and we need to be able to discuss motives and meanings, so that criticism becomes the process of improvement. Criticism is needed and necessary, if we want to improve our poetry.
I am a product of Neopoet. As many here, myself included, will tell you, my poetry has improved immeasureably since I first started here as a member, many years ago. At first, my reaction to negative criticism was "Who the hell do you think you are, to tell me that?" But then I decided to leave my ego at home, and really start asking myself "What does this criticism really mean?" Some of my main critics are no longer with us at Neopoet, and I wish that they were, because they would see the quality of your writing as I do. It is sad that they cannot critique, but they taught me, so I suppose I'm just passing it along!
Two more thing: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/some-days-to-akawu/ link to one of my favorite free-verse poems by Niyi Osundare, and
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47311/the-waste-land...this is a link to one of the best free-verse poems ever written. The Waste Land, by T.S. Elliot.
Take a look when you have the time. The best way to learn freeverse poetry writing is to read, read and read more freeverse!
I am glad that I could be of help.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you again. Now I know more than I did yesterday, and it's because of you. Thank you.

I checked the links, signed up even.
This has been my desire ever since I began writing-for comments and observations, corrections and suggestions alike.

author comment

I suspect the word "tell" means something different to you than it does to me. If so please explain your meaning. Poetic prose is rare here on site and in my opinion that is what this is. Now I'm not saying it is a bad thing but rather that it will likely be misunderstood. I'd suggest using a bit more poetic devices such as some rhythm and alliteration to help set this apart from plain prose

I could use stanza, or verse, or chapter.
But I chose "Tell" as for authentication, a hallmark of some sort..

I consider it to be my way of narration of how and what I feel, see or hear.

author comment

It might be helpful for you to put the explanation in author's notes and thus avoid having to explain it again

Thank you

author comment
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