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Aspirations

Aspirations:

hope
transparent and thin
like
leaves too long in the wind
oh
confident desire
which
once sprang eternal (never to expire)
now
with gnarled joints
slowly
crawls
to it's knees

Failed Aspirations:

hope
transparent and thin
like
leaves too long in the wind
oh
confident desire
which
once sprang eternal (ever to expire)
now
with gnarled joints
slowly
falls
to its knees

(can you find the differences?)

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

said the blind man. Never and ever, can be pretty much the same; it all depends on your perspective. ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

thanks, Geez.

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

the distinctive words are: (falls and crawls) one goes down and the other goes up ;)

*hugs, Cat
-

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

that I was looking in the wrong place and therefore did not actually see. LoL
~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

it happens, lol.

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I wonder if your two sections would benefit from being separated by numerals. Like “I” and “II” instead of “aspirations” and “failed aspirations “. .you have the context in the title. Also, to follow it with a “III” to add what i think could be a third section to instruct/tie it together.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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nice and valid suggestions! thank you!

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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