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The Artist

If I could but paint in colours dark or bright.
Take brush in hand I’d paint the night,
And in the darkness I would show
Such fire to set the world aglow.

But I can,
With paper as my canvas,
My pen to use as brush,
Words my oils and colours,
You shall see how I may rush
To share this beauty with the world.

I see your face
I know your face so well
I close my eyes and you are there
With haunting eyes and flame red hair.

Black haunting eyes that pierce men through.
Eyes that command a man to do.
Eyes that burn to the very core
Eyes silence them for evermore.

I see your face
I know your face so well.
I close my eyes and you are there.

I see your mouth.
Your lips of scarlet
Smiling as a Spartan harlot
Lips so full, so lush, enticing
Moist and sweet, ever inviting.

Your neck, your graceful neck I love.
Gentle as the morning dove.
Graceful as the swan that glides
Along the river on summer tides.

I see your face
I know your face so well
I close my eyes and you are there.

You are there.
I am here
Ne’er again to meet I fear.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I keep looking at this and know it's not quite right. suggestions always welcome...... So, after a hectic couple of weeks I can take pen in hand again. A few alterations which I think gives a better flow as it were. Feel free to comment.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This poem is an ode to the power of art and beauty, and it is evident that the speaker is deeply moved by the subject of their art. The way in which the speaker describes the subject's features is both vivid and emotive, and it is clear that their words have been chosen with care.

One suggested line edit would be to remove the repetition of "I see your face, I know your face so well" throughout the poem. While this repetition can add emphasis to the subject's presence and importance, it can also become somewhat distracting after a while.

Another suggested line edit would be to consider a stronger conclusion, one that ties everything together and leaves the reader with a lasting impression. While the final line is melancholic and evocative, it could benefit from a sense of resolution or closure.

Overall, this poem is a beautiful tribute to the transformative power of art and the enduring allure of beauty.n\n\ The above is an computer generated response. Please send feedback through https://www.neopoet.com/contact

your first line would open a sonnet very effectively. I won't go into critique because I think you should pursue stepping up your game on this one considering the flowery language you are using.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Hello Thomas and thank you. I will be giving this one a good going over during the next few days, I realise there is much to improve. Alex

author comment

with our newfound friend, I am going to call him 'Artie'. Artie makes a couple of good points; that the words are chosen with care, but also choices that are limited by what they want to say. The face seems all important.
Eyes and lips are the most expressive and get the most attention.
I too, would edit out those lines from all but one part.
The third stanza, the first time it appears.
Delete the rest of them. An edit of the last lines should take up the slack
of the missing lines before, by saying

"You are there
I am here
We shall never meet, I fear"

This keeps the rhyme, and the idea that
the writer does have hope to meet... maybe, someday.

I don't know if I helped at all, but welcome to any of the ideas.
Use them, abuse them, twist them to your use. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hello Geezer, as always your comments and suggestions are welcomed. I will be giving this one a good going over during the next week or so. I never did like the ending. Alex.

author comment

I like this except one thing. Repeating a line or stanza rapidly loses its impact if done too many times within a poem of this length. I would recommend keep it in the last stanza and third stanza but perhaps omitting the repetition in other places. Just a thought

Hello Scribbler, You are quite right and when I work on this piece over the next couple of weeks that will be done along with other rewrites. Always glad to receive suggestions on my work. Alex

author comment

I enjoyed this and the way you wove the images into the poem, like an artist.

These two lines made me stop and recap, Your lips of scarlet, Smiling as a Spartan harlot. Good structure and rhyming scheme and made me sit up and take more notice.

I'd like to read it again when you've worked on it, please let me know, :) x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Thank you Ruby. I think this needs bits taking out more than adding. It will be done in a few days, sadly my brother passed away recently so things a bit hectic. I will let you know. Alex

author comment

I'm so sorry, it will take time and I'm sure you'll find comfort in the words you create, I always do. Take care and stay safe, Ruby xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Hello Ruby, edited version about to be submitted. Alex

author comment

Great, I'll take a look, thank you.

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

The poem for me is all about love and longing. Your imagery is excellent and the changes you've made have worked out well :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Thank you Ruby. Alex

author comment

the opening stanza, and upon reading it never had chance to finish, I would still be content. What a beautifully powerful opening that was! And inspiring - the sort of thing one poet reads from another, and thinks "Yes, that is what it's like! Now I want to write a poem too-"

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