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Artificial Emotion
In the altogether, breath of aether
Bound together, strips of leather
The tether, as light as a feather
Feeling the heather, slightly nether
Harmonious consistance, of resistance
Fulfilling assistance, to our existence
Craving coexistence, reality subsistence
Now the distance, is non existence
Giving our soul, the chance to controle
Always extol, every loss of control
Reaching a goal, as our bodies unroll
Low and behold, there's nothing to withhold
No greater desire, that we'll require
Every ripped attire, that we retire
Is left beside her, as it will transpire
As we lit the fire, she got me higher
Then any drug known, she was my own
Hearing my moan, she cast her stone
Everlasting bemoan, constant atone
Now the toan, turned into a groan
Though the darkness, is artless
And starless, forever godless
Irregardless, I still wanted us
Finding solace, in all the parlous
Life is restricted, now that I'm addicted
Heart depicted, grievously afflicted
Just as predicted, forever constricted
Always acquitted, even though omitted
No more than one, I was abandoned
Now this compassion, with no companion
More than none, what have I done
No interaction, love rarefraction
Disguised contrast, of a blurry past
Couldn't surpass, or make it last
Now grown biassed, playing miscast
Will I out last, or will it be rehashed
Memories replay, as they decay
As I convey, I will kneel a pray
Refusing to portray, the small cliche
Choose to slay,
Forever and a day.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
If its to good to be true, it probably is.....
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2021-03-07 08:09
The trouble with...
choosing to use so many sound-a-like rhyming words to write a poem; is that you will eventually run out of words to use and be forced to repeat. [Which you have done a couple of times.] Also you have a couple of misspellings, that you have missed. [Typos]. Lol
1] Control[ e]
2] [than, instead of then in line 1- verse 5
3] [toan] should be tone
4] line 2 last verse, should be [and] rather than a.
Nonetheless, you have a pretty good poem here for your first post. Welcome to Neopoet! I look forward to seeing more from you. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jsin
Sun, 2021-03-07 08:23
Thank You!
Thank You!
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