Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Arrogant (Rhyme Crimes WS)

I've been here for years
roaming the earth-my land,
Sowing the seeds of fears
with my own cruel hand.

I've committed the sin,
mimicked the demon's deeds,
I stole and killed my kin
Now I'm reaping the weeds.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

perfect rhyme
and i am hoping there is more coming, as these two verses have wet my appetite for more of the story

one suggestion - i'd just edit it a little to make the lines all iambic - the rhythm will help the rhyme imo

I've been here now for years
just roaming earth-my land
while sowing seeds of fears
with my own cruel hand

I have committed sin,
and mimicked the demon's deeds
I stole and killed my kin
I'm reaping my own weeds

'and mimicked the demon's deeds' (a touch of anaepest - helps emphasise this line anyway - and i love the use of 'mimicked' so don't want to suggest you change it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Always generous to give a useful comment. I do miss my mentor's comments but I'm really lucky to have you dear Juddy.

As for lengthening, I promise to think of Sth more to add.

As for perfecting the rhyme, I know this would make it prettier with a perfect iamb
but I'm not sure I l'd like to enforce some words for the sake of the rhyme.I wish to hear a second opinion before I do the edit.
Regards

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

I did enjoy this, just peeping in, Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Thanks for dropping a kind comment

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

The assignment was to produce for us "proper" rhymes and you did that marvelously as I knew you would.
Judy's suggestions are valid, but honestly I didn't notice the meter much one way or the other as I was rather struck by the poem itself.

This thing is kinda creepy. Not at all your style and hints at (dare I say it) epopee. There is some noble hero behind these scarce words and as Judy, I too am bloody well curious as to where it came from and where you might be going with it.
If you think you're going to let it lie as an exercise in a workshop, you will likely have to think again. If you try to expand upon this (and I say this as your mentor), don't work over much on the meter at first. Use the formula that made this and go with it. Write a series of quatrains paying particular attention to the rhyme and see where it takes you.
It certainly caught my attention.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.