Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

For AR., On His Release from Incarceration (New Form Shop)

Now, you’re a sea anemone, a blush
of self-consciousness, shyly proud—aware
Flowing, from thanks to embrace to a rushed
goodbye. Locked doors, time served. No time to spare.

You have a reef now—at last, hope called
and you, child, are daring into the teem-
ing green-gray of life. Car, school, church, the mall
To regain life lost to an act obscene

My office holds your old shell, petrified
from power and humiliation. “Yes,
Sir.” “Permit me to step, sir?” Hands behind
your back, apressed against the wall. Confess!—

Could you forgive me my emotion
if to my ear I placed your shell?
I miss the memory of your ocean.
Could you forgive me my emotion
for I still feel tender devotion
for the memory of a boy in hell.
Could you forgive me my emotion
if to my ear I placed your shell?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
As usual I am struggling with a mixed symbols. I am afraid the end (a triolet) is too sing-songy.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This might be the first time I've seen a word cut in two (line 6) in order to maintain a near rhyme. A bit disconcerting. This might work a bit better as a morphing poem if you did a mid stanza morph in the last stanza, I agree that it's a bit too long of a sing-song effect as it is. Might be as simple a fix as to leave out a single one of the lines with "emotion " in it. But you Do have the idea of morphing down pat. Whenever in doubt just read the poem out loud. A good morping poem will either read so smoothly that the morphing is hardly noticed or it will have a single jarring morph which calls attention to an abrupt change within the poem. Now we'll see what others have to say.........stan

hyphenating for the rhyme made me cringe too but the deadline was near and I figured if it were good enough for Kamau Brathwaite, it was good enough for me. That stanza needs a whole workover anyway. I think you are right about cutting the triolet short, maybe a "one-and-a-half-olet"? Thanks for the feedback.

author comment

a still evolving form such as this it's a good thing to find out what does not work as well as what does. It appears that the use of longer forms such as a triolet , at least at the end, doesn't . Perhaps it tends to take over the poem?.............stan

enough being said the poem is sound and supplicate like one truly out of incarceration and feeling prodigal, it could be prodigal of emotion pending the buzzkill

Can't comment much but I do like the theme. Not bad..

Alid

I am really sorry that I come late to yours, but my excuse is that you made this a hard bite for me being ignorant of who might be AR.,
Anyhow, I just wanted to say that the morphing thing could be both felt and seen in yours as you've changed from long to shorter structured rhyming verses.
I feel like the last stanza served as to express kind of longing and/or regret.

I don't know, I feel a bit lost.
I might consider coming back after hearing from you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

How would knowing who the person is help? Would the nature of the relationship help? It is doctor-patient.

author comment

and yeah, you are probably right, knowing who or what the relationship is here didn't help much. I am sorry to say I couldn't find a way to make this piece make an ultimate use of the morph. Maybe it is good as is.
I wish others would come and give more attention to your piece.
I loved the last stanza though as you said it is a bit sing songy.
I am very much looking for the edits.
Please don't let my comment dishearten you. I feel there is much potential in this work.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

However, it is disheartening to join a workshop then not get any feedback from several of the members. This will be the last workshop for me.

author comment

each workshop is different. Don't be disheartened. Just learn all that you can and enjoy the experience. Even I didn't get any feedback yet after I have done the final edit. What's important is that the one who started the workshop did comment on it as he or she is more knowledgeable than others. Give the others some time.

Alid

the choice of poets like betjeman and Christina Rossetti shapes up nicely the message in your poetry which i admire

Many times have passed and many poets never comment on others works, it is a part of the world.
I have read this several times yet not commented as yet, but seeing that you are complaining I will.
Your write is quite complex from a prison through varying stages to a sea shell listening to the Ocean, a good morph and a tidy write with a change of theme thrown in.
I hope you carry on submitting to the stream, there are many that rarely comment and it is why I asked for the counter of number of reads or visits be reinstated, as it shows if you are wasting time by writing.
Hold in there everything comes to he who waits so they say, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Rula and I would like to see you in Dramatic Verse.
Remember there is a lot of poetry here and sometimes poets (like me) are late. It doesn't mean we don't want to critique the work, just that we're unorganized.
The morph here was very clear cut and I will say that I did not feel the triolet was sing song. I also, however, did not like the splitting of the word for the rhyme, but in your defense I have always felt that the language is ours to use and abuse. Williard R. Espy has done far worse in his humorous poetry to great effect.
The subject is cool. Wholly original in my eyes and worthy of a longer more complicated poem.
Again, don't quit. Everyone here has so much to offer including you that it would be a shame not to share.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.