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Approaching Hurricane (auditory)

Iambic hexameter with alternating rhyme.

A wall of sound precedes the vortex barrier.
A windborne howling as of godlings passing by.
Lost voices shriek in whispers bleak and sepulchre.
Strained iron groans and snaps about the place we lie.

At once the soil is atomized and buffets tin.
It seems behind us armed cicadas ply their wars.
So loudly does the sand meet with metallic skin,
that clearly had their scatter guns discharged indoors.

Abrupt, cacophonous and jarring unforeseen,
a clap bursts when a rock is thrown from mountain's top.
And then its screech while motor car slides huge and mean
directly at our huddled shapes at last to hop

and clear us all with whistle wet~ a trumpet blast.
We mutely scream for nothing of us can be heard.
And then the squall arrives and our sure doom is cast.
The hurricane is come and hope is nigh absurd.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a bitch. The hardest part is not using the assigned sense, but not using all the others.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Not as hard as parsing though lol. It IS difficult to use only one form but using shorter lines helps. I'll let some other comments accumulate then return..............stan

Lots of auditory. Great job.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

as I'm partially deaf
auditory
of course twas
yes

loved

I heard it all. Can you write a lot of the"as" out without messing up your meter though

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

... that I shall try. I agree that the ugly "as" can muddy things up. Like I mentioned to Stan when I didn't feel his poem had enough "comparisons", I believe mine did, but all the same. A list in other words. I'll give it a shot, but you have to return and tell me if I succeeded. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

There IS such thing as a list poem so this could be considered such

I gotta Google that. A list poem? How cool. I'm ahead of the curve for a change. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I even wrote a(suprise) rhyming one titled"List Of Hints". Hang around here long enough and you'll not only hear of forms you've never heard of but probably come up with a new form of your own. Do you remember the old TV show Hee Haw? When they'd ask Grandpa what was for supper he'd reply with a list poem lol........stan

I hear and I'm afraid! I almost ducked at:
"And then its screech as motor car slides huge and mean
directly at our huddled shapes at last to hop

and clear us all with whistle wet as trumpet blast."

Deb

Please come look at this. Did I make it? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I know this shop is giving you fits. Most of your poetry is chock full of all types of imagery and this makes trying to use just one type difficult. So I will disect this for you as if I know what I'm doing lol :
To begin I'd suggest a rhyme scheme in which only 2nd and 4th or 1st and 3rd lines in each stanza rhyme. This will free up the options.
L-1 omit the vortex barrier .....it is entirely visual
L-2 delete as
L-3 delete either bleak or sepulchre.....less is more
L-4 delete and snaps....less is more
L-9 Change jarring unforeseen to deafening
L-10 change thrown to blown....as in exploded( more auditory)
L-13 delete a trumpet blat .....less is more

I hope you forgive me doing this analysis but I thought your effort required an equal response. One of the toughest things about using imagery is not overdoing it. In older styles of writing this is almost impossible as more is good in those styles. But in my opinion most current styles read more naturally without overloading the imagery...........stan PS You can now start thinking about what type or types imagery to use in your rewrite

Talking about making things more complicated! (Iambic hexameter with alternating rhyme. And beautifully executed!) I feel you have done an excellent job as I "heard" every line of imagery! Favorite lines:

and clear us all with whistle wet~ a trumpet blast.
We mutely scream for nothing of us can be heard.
And then the squall arrives and our sure doom is cast.
The hurricane is come and hope is nigh absurd.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

you need to use it
on me

loved

Yep, got right into this one, though I apologise, since clearly this is an ongoing process for you & I am totally out of the loop, so rather than walk all over themes & refinements you are working on, I will just give the overall from my perspective.

Really enjoyed it. So far (not many) you seem to have a very strong driving backwash in your writing, (to me) more dramatic than an undertow. I sort of get hit with the storm from the front & then it washes back at me from behind, unexpectedly. I like that.... a second chance to experience it from a different angle, I have spent much time here today & must head off, but I am interested to see how it was before you made changes.

Anyway Cheers

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

I made all the changes I will after Chrys pointed a few things out to me. I am so modestly pleased with this I won't add another sense of imagery. I mentioned on Cat's submission that the thing I learned was that multiple senses are NOT necessarily required.
On a different direction, please always tear my poetry apart piece meal if you have anything. I am here for two reasons. One, to enjoy my poetry and a community of poets and two, to change for the better my poetry. I have a really hard time getting anyone to read my stuff and pick it apart as I desire, so don't hesitate. You cannot hurt me. My emotions are controlled by medication. More than possibly anyone here, I truly want the "raw truth".
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

tactfully
skipped both my comments
or did you do so willfully
I wonder still
hello Istan
congrats
for becoming a Captain of poetry
and
help small dwarfed sailors like me ...
HAPPY SAILING THROUGH WITH
Stan and Beuregard toooo ...
all three have read me sometime or the other...
thanks this is no bribery
only courtesy ...!!!!

loved

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