Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Apparitions

Submitted by William Saint George on Mon, 2013-11-04 04:43

The string quartet
plays ten thousand bits
through rusty, ambitious speakers
while the evening
turns into
a velvet night
like the madman's canvas:
with a yellow moon
and fuzzy, mad, mad flora.

Am I lost in my dreams
of a life in heaven,
seated by stars and by the sun,
the guest of comets
and falling meteors?

A name to be remembered?

Am I trapped in an illusion,
where wishes indeed are horses,
battle steeds of finest breed
that charge through blood
in glory, bloody glory,
against some phantom fiend?

The movement falls to
an adagio,
and I waft in the fumes
of my passing dreams,
clutching at thin wisps
that haunt in ghostly fashion.

Am I mad? I ask,
and they, in turn, reply:
you are asleep, and dreaming.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
When I got reminded of my own great expectations.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

brittle light

Mon, 2013-11-04 06:24

brittle light's picture

this moves along fluidly and with great energy
I like just about everything; language, images, how you plotted the theme.

one suggestion, if I might....possibly find, and use some other words to replace the first two times you use the word "dream" for greater affect when used at the end.

for example: am I lost in my dreams.....to.......am I lost in a" fantasy", or "mirage"

I waft in the fumes of my passing "fugue"

I like the strength of your writing...powerful,

Al

William Saint George

Wed, 2013-11-06 03:43

William Saint George's picture

for that suggestion. I totally agree with you!

I will ammend this poem in time. Thank you!

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2013-11-05 06:55

Seren's picture

I have to agree with Al on this one as well its so beautifully done the language and the images are wonderful this is one of the best poems I have read for a while

I have nothing to offer but my praise

kind regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

William Saint George

Wed, 2013-11-06 03:44

William Saint George's picture

I'm really glad you liked it! Thanks :D

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.