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Another One Bites The Dust!

I stay near her,
silent as a grave,
none will rescue
her soul to save.

in her footsteps
I closely follow,
my heart is beating
ever so hollow.

a path through the park
she often will take,
moon and stars light the way
safety she 'oft forsakes.

ever, they tell her
"slow down, have a care
see who's around you
make sure you're aware."

foolish young lass
out looking for trouble,
will find it for sure
and that on the double!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this is an eddy styx poem!!!
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

eddy is on the job! I love the title...
and the story is great!
but, I think that you might smooth it out a bit with a
couple of changes; I find that every so often there are certain words
that interrupt the rhythm of a rhyme when used in the middle of a verse
and it seems to have occurred here. I have taken the liberty of
rewriting some lines while trying to keep the idea of them.

my heart [is] beating

[a] path through the park
she often takes
stars light the way
being safe she forsakes

[ever], they tell her
"slow down, have a care
see what's around you
make sure you beware"

a foolish [young] lass
out looking for trouble
will find it [for sure]
and that on the double!

Of course, as always, this is your work, and you can find your own
way to write these lines. I am never offended when someone tells me
to piss-off! LoL ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I would never tell you to "Piss off"!

I really do appreciate all the time and effort that you put into your responses to my (and other poets) works. I think I implemented all your changes. if you think of more please let me know :)

ever, eddy
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

to be of any possible help. I really like this one! It smacks of evil intent and makes one want to stay under the streetlights! LoL
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

thanks for the read, catch and the comment!

*hugs, Cat

*

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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