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AND WHO SHALL FOLLOW ME? (sonnet shop) let's see how bad I messed up This time

I hope the day will never come to be
that trails no longer feel the booted tread
of aged men like me to nature bred
whose quest and goal are still to wander free.

Will days of summer green and autumn gold
become unseen by my children's eyes
likewise the flocks in cloudy skies
as both the fall and they become less bold?

Becoming old hence turning graying and callow
I might assume a bit about the wood
in saying things of some yet to be fellow
in gazing over windblown, fertile hollow
as I consider time and sadly brood
the generations yet to come will follow.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
if I'm not pretty close to right this time I'm going to start over from scratch with a new poem. These sonnets are driving me crazy.......er lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

However, i find problems with the scansion of quite a few verses
stanza 1 verses 2 and 4
Stanza 2 verses 2, 3 and 4
Stanza 3 all verses but the last
sorry...

the rhyme is also weak with 'be' and 'harmony' - they are not proper rhyme, as one has only one syllable, and the other 3

But the theme is good, and, although it is not a particularly strong one, you do have a volta

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

that the scansion is off. that's likely my weakest point in writing. I think I can fix the imperfect rhyme you mention fairly easily though.......stan

author comment

Have you really followed the strict rhyme scheme that this sonnet requires?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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other than the imperfect rhyme previously mentioned the scheme is as follows : abba-abba-cdecde which is what you said is allowable (unless there's a typo in my poem I didn't catch.) I'll research some more of these ghastly things to make sure I've got it right but I lifted the scheme I used directly off one of your previous comments/instructions. I looked back and it was the comment you made on the 23rd.

But I knew going into this shop that it would give me problems so I'll scratch my head, put my finger in my ear and let the slobber drip from my mouth and see if I can edit this to get it closer to right lol.....stan

author comment

This piece last stanza, "fellow" is used twice. Is that allowed? You did point out in my poem that "me" can't be repeated because of the sonnet's strict form.

Alid

It is NOT working. In sonnets we don't use the same word as we need proper rhymes.

It is moreover a weak word to be used because the last syllable is unstressed FEllow.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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FELL -ow is also not allowed (in this shop) at the verse ending as it makes it feminine .....
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

my reply above.
Thanks for emphasising this point dear judy.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Sorry Rula
I did a Barb ( lol Barb)
I only read the first part of your above comment - the bit about the use of the same word for rhyme

I don't know how I missed the second part
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

NEVER!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

love the theme and imagery. Unfortunately, being not well-versed in sonnet, I can't comment more . Let's hope others can offer better critics and suggestions.

Alid

I am no good with knowledge about so many rules a sonnet demands. However, I enjoyed it very much..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I concur with Alid and Raj with regard being knowledgeable about sonnets - so I'll just say you excel at this subject and I too enjoyed it very much.

Love to you

Mand xxxxx

I have a good bit of envy for those who seem to effortlessly conjure these things out of thin air lol. Appreciate your dropping by. I must now return to my spell book and see if I can recast this one right ......stan

author comment

I hope |a day |will ne|ver come| to be| ......................{perfect iambic pentameter}

that wild| trails will | no long|er feel |the tread............{ the second feet is trochaic}

of quest|ing men| like me|, in na|ture bred..................{perfect iamb pentameter}

who walk |the fo|rests seek|ing har| mony...................{ the last two feet are off}

Hope this help a bit Stan.

If you can scan the next stanza, it would be great.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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I am but an old unlearned fellow; C
perhaps I assume much more than I should D
and the passing time has made me mellow C
as I sit here in a winter hollow F
where in long passing years I've often stood, D
but generations yet to come will follow. F

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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So you'r saying fellow and mellow don't rhyme?

author comment

Fellow and mellow DO rhyme.
Sorry

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I was zonering if sonnets had driven me crazy (a short drive lol). Teaching is the best way to learn...stan

author comment

i hope i haven't made any silly mistakes - i'm a little tired - off to bed now ... night night

I HOPE | the DAY | will NEV | -er COME | to BE (perfect iambic)

that TRAILS | will no | LONG - er |FEEL the | BOOT | ed TREAD (half iamb too much – you need to drop ‘will’)

of AG | -ed MEN | like ME | to NAT | -ure BRED (perfect iambic

(who) this extra ‘who’ makes the line too long – you don’t need it
whose QUEST | and GOAL | are ONCE | MORE to | BE FREE (4th and fifth feet are not iambic)

will DAYS | of SUM | -mer GREEN | and AUT | -umn GOLD (perfect iambic)

beCOME | un -SEEN | by my | des- CEND | -ants' EYES (3rd foot is pyrrhic)

LIKEwise | the CRY | -ing FLOCKS | in CLEAR | BLUE SKIES (needs work)

while BOTH | the SEA | -son and | THEY GROW | LONG be| COME BOLD? (SIX feet.... only 1st and 2nd iamb)

BE -ing | ON -ly | an OLD |GUY be | -COME MEL | -low (extra half foot ... 3rd foot only one iambic)

I’m getting tired – lol
you should be able to see the rest yourself

i MIGHT | as-SUME | a bit | MORE than | i SHOULD
in SAY | -ing THINGS | for SOME | YET BORN | FELL -ow
while SIT | -ting here | in this | COLD STILL | HOL -low
where in | YEARS PAST | i have |so OF | -ten STOOD

but GEN | -er –A | -tions YET | to COME |will FOLL | -ow (another extra half foot)

hope this helps Stan - i like the poem
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Hie thee to bed Judy. Well at least Some of the edits are correct. Now I guess I'll wipe the blood I sweated from my brow and see id I've enough left to correct the incorrect corrections lol. Thanks for taking the time to pars this because as you know I'm terrible at that......stan

author comment

I see that judy has come before me and done the scansion.
Hope you can see what you need to amend.

Please let me know if you need any further help.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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This shop may well lead me to needing psychological help lol. But I'll keep chugging along because practice makes less imperfect.............stan

author comment

sorry

author comment

You're getting there! :)

Love Mand xxx

I HOPE| the DAY| will NE|ver COME| to BE| (PERFECT IAMB)

that TRAILS |no LONG|er FEEL| the BOOT|edTREED| ( PERFECT IAMB)

of AGED |MEN like |ME to | NATure| BRED ( ONE IAMB ...THE REST ARE OFF , Half a foot needed)

who whose| QUEST and |GOAL are| STILL to |WANDer |FREE. (HALF A FOOT MORE)

 

The first two lines show you have a good master on the iamb pentameter.

I shall parse the rest o the poem for you to see where and what you need to change.

Give me few minutes, please.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Can be 1 or 2 syllables - aged or ag- ed
of AG -ed MEN....
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Will DAYS |of SUMM|er GREEN |and AU|tumn GOLD| (PERFECT IAMB)

beCOME| unSEEN| by my |CHILDren's |EYES (first two are iamb the rest are off and you need half a foot more

LIKEwise| the flocks| in cloud|y skies| (PERFECT IAMB BUT You need one foot more)

as BOTH| theFALL|and THEY| beCOME| less BOLD?| (PERFECT IAMB)

 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

BEing| an OLD| GRAYing |GRAYINGing |and BALD| FEllow (THE FIRST AND THE LAST ARE IAMB WHILE THE OTHER TWO ARE OFF) (FELLOW IS ONE FOOT MORE)
I MIGHT |aSSUME| a BIT |aBOUT| CHILL WOOD| (ONLY LAST FOOT IS OFF)
in SAYing |THINGS for |SOME yet |BORN FE|llow (THIS LINE IS OFF)
in GAZ|ing O|ver this| WINDblown| HOllow (THE FIRST TWO FEET ARE IAMB)
as I |coNSI|der TIME |and SAD| ly BROOD| (PERFECT IAMB)
the GE|neRA|tions YET| to COME |will FO|llow.(PERFECT IAMB)

Stan, I have noticed much improvement especially in the sestet where many feet where off in your first edit. It is now your call if you like to go on with this one or write a new one.
I shall be happy to parse this as many times as you edit.
Have fun!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

as stubborn as i am I'll keep beating on this one until it submits or it finishes Me off lol........stan PS don't look for me to write many of these cussed things just for pleasure any time soon

author comment

i HOPE | the DAY | will NEV | -er COME | to BE
that TRAILS | no LONG | -er FEEL | the BOOT | -ed TREAD
of AG | -ed MEN | like ME | to NAT | –ure BRED
(perfect iambic pentamenter)

(who) whose QUEST | and GOAL | are STILL | to WAND | -er FREE
(lose the ‘who’ at the start, for both grammar and meter, and it is perfect iambic – as well as grammar – ((((smiles))))

WILL DAYS | of SUM | -mer GREEN | and AUT | -umn GOLD
(first foot not iambic)
could days... ?

be -COME | un -SEEN | by my | CHILD -ren's | EYES
(first and second feet good – third and fourth off, and fifth and half an iamb short)
become no longer seen by children’s eyes.. ?

LIKE -wise | the FLOCKS | in CLOUD | -y SKIES
first foot not iambic, and you are missing a foot – this verse is tetrameter)
and like-wise flocks in summer’s cloudy skies ... ?

as both | the FALL | and THEY | be -COME | less BOLD?
(iambic pentamenter ... I have stressed ‘they’ here – it does read as such, but it is weaker that the rest of the stressed words, and will depend on how the reader reads it.... it could be looked at for change, but after the other verses are sorted I would think, if you even do bother – as I said, I think it’s ok..)

ok – I’ll stop with the suggestions, as you might not want them....
but happy to give more if you ask....

be –COM | -ing OLD | HENCE TURN | -ing GRAY | -ing and | CALL –ow
(six feet ....one two and four only iambic)

i MIGHT | ass -UME | a BIT | a -BOUT | the WOOD
(perfect iambic pentamenter)

in SAY | -ing THINGS | of SOME | YET to | be FELL | -ow

(fourth foot not iambic, and you have an extra half foot – which I have always told you are allowed in – at least – the Elizabethan sonnet – but are not allowed in this workshop)

in GAZ | -ing O | -ver WIND | -blown FERT | -ile HOLL |-ow
almost perfect – but you have another extra half foot)

as I | CON si | -der TIME | and SAD | -ly BROOD
(the first foot is not iambic, the ‘der’ in ‘consider’ is not stressed – it is too weak)

the GEN | -er –A | -tions YET | to COME | will FOLL | -ow.
(almost perfect – except you, again, have an extra half foot)

and (I’m so sorry Stan) – your sextet rhymes are off
callow/ hollow , wood/ brood , fellow/ follow)

love mm
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Am aware of the lines which are a half foot too long but I thought that ending with an unstressed syllable made it feminine and thus allowable. Darn that wesley, he requested a pastoral sonnet and this does make things a bit more restrictive. Well, back to the pen, I'm gonna get this thing finished if it kills me

author comment

You can do it
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

the thing that's kicking my butt is that a lot of my writing is in tetrameter with pentameter mixed in. That plus the U.S. has never switched over to metric system lol

author comment

Has already been butchered enough. I think I'll let the dead horse lie in peace and see if I can do better with the Elizabethan sonnet..........yeah, that's right....I surrender lol

author comment
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