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Up and down the Mountain

At the top of Mt Ngungun we huffed together;
three Fijian girls, their hair catching the last rays
puffed out how totally worth it the view was -
white screens in hands, heads down. Twittering away.

A big frowning woman swipes sweat from
her cleavage thinking no one saw.
We all saw and felt the embarrassment
roll down to our sweaty, baking feet.

Some 6 foot army boys came galloping up too,
racing right to top ridge; their excitement not
hiding the discomfort of chaffing balls
and the idea of wearing lycra bike pants next time..

No one could hear the kookaburras going off
though with those last tepid strains of sun.
A young boy was having a pretend car crash with a Eucalyptus,
careening through the scrub like a lost fire truck.

But in the quiet moments, as he pounded
round enough bends, you could hear a far off
blue heeler, maybe on one of the custard apple farms..
And the steady whoosh of yesterday’s rain
rolling, rolling down the mountain.

The air oozed with moisture from soaked gums
and puddles full of clay disguised as rocks.
Just for a moment the green of all the bracken ferns
seemed to become us and we them..
All at once we’re green sponges bouncing down a hill.

The birds bring us back from our reverie -
one beeps every three seconds ‘doot, doot, doot’
like a beacon guiding the way in the dim light;
another makes a loud-long squawk as if saying
‘now this is what a bird sounds like pal.. ha!’

As the last bend appears, an unglued hiking boot flaps away -
a lonesome Granny with the world’s best yarn.
Threatening to cease but finding a new corner,
she trails off into the new darkness,
blinding car lights, iPods and Lorna Janes.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I haven't posted anything on here for a very longggg time and thought I would and some other sites. Why not! This poem is set in the Australian bush in the sub-tropics in a semi rainforest area.
Editing stage: 

Comments

will come back to this. for now, what is the connection between air, moisture and soaked gums? and why is yesterday's rain whooshing down? you have some great images in here. i like the line about the unglued boot but don't get its connection to the next line. love the last two lines

will come back to this. for now, what is the connection between air, moisture and soaked gums? and why is yesterday's rain whooshing down? you have some great images in here. i like the line about the unglued boot but don't get its connection to the next line. love the last two lines

the whoosh of yesterday's rain, was the water of the stream flowing down the mountain. I didn't connect the boot to anything except the randomness of thought as they were ending the hike; when your mind is kind of marking time by noticing simple things like the flapping of a boot sole. All -in-all, I thought it rather good.
Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

The poem has no inner beat, cadence, meter or rhythm. It is prose split up in lines to look like poetry. The lines have no set pattern of accents and run into each other.
There are a few nice images in this painting. But the adolescent distractions such as chapped balls make me squeal.
To just describe a trip without any take away to its worth towards any poetic truth is just that. A few kids visiting a tourist spot and commenting on it like a Facebook post Twittering away .

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

all the previous critique is valid although I think some missed the direct expreience of it.

this could be better with a bit of work, especially meter and devices like assonance and consonance.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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