Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

American Youth

NUMEROUNO:

I bought some spicey brown mustard
spread it on a bologna sandwich
wow! it was good
I've never been so pleased

SAUCYGIRL1:

wow?!
that's so sad

NUMERUNO:

fuck you

JAYBIRD:

stick that balony up your ass faggot

NUMEROUNO:

who the hell are you, why you hatin'

JAYBIRD:

fuck you too she just xpressin opinion

NUMEROUNO:

fuck you too, too
I like balogna
why you relatting balony to sex , perv!

JAYBIRD:

get off my world I hate you

NUMEROUNO:

jerk!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think I am missing some of the nuances of the poem as the words appear to be carefully selected. Not your fault. That's mine. This is s tough poem to truly critique because it doesn't hold to the traditions I am accustomed to. I can only offer opinion.

You drew me in early but lost me late. The conversation took an odd turn as I feel some of the characters kind of meld together. I also had to back track looking for more from saucy girl thinking I had missed it. wanted more from the instigator as it were.

like the potential here, love that you're outside the box. Look forward to your reply.

Scott

Scott

outside the box means I'm in unchartered territory (at least to my experience) so I have know guideposts or markers.Dead reckoning takes over. Nuance is subjugated to survival; just getting through the uncertainty and ordeal.

The odd turn is the main point of the piece (weather or not done with enough skill or panache); the quick disintegration of any topic into ludicrous trash talking chatter, and loss of all decorum.

I realize now that it needs more "meat". It probably won't happen (lazy and blank, I am)

thanks for your valued opinion
very appreciated.

Al

author comment

I often feel like some poems need too much and have no will to offer the effort so I throw them in a file and every so often return to them. One, to remind myself how much I really suck at writing poetry and two, I often am reinspired with a different view of the same story.

Scott

after completing a poem, whatever that really means, I have to take quite a bit of time away from it before the "Hornyness" for it arises again!

but most poems are one- nighters, never to be fucked with again....they will never be satisfactory...some are just born to feeble, and could never thrive in the cold hard world of POETRY!

My lack of a work ethic needs work....a conundrum, yes?

Al

author comment

I never used to edit until recent months. This is what neo has done to me. I am lost in the way that I must always be better and for that I will always fail, myself anyway. I edit now but only so I will not have to edit later. The moment in time that ink hits the paper is poetry in its purest form. according to lore, Kerouac never edited a fucking thing. Some day I hope to feel that freedom again.

Scott

I hate trash talkers, I think I got the nuance of the poem you drew me in I wanted to know the end of the story though I have to say the ending left me feeling flat I don't know if that was your intention but that's how it felt, another good poem I seem to be reading a lot from you since my return I have enjoyed the experience, makes me start thinking out of the box and that's a good thing

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.