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America Stands... [Rhyme Patterns Workshop]

As I walk across this land
I walk with fear hand-in-hand
What does our future life portend
Is Democracy about to end?

We should not forget our fight
To see our way through the night
To come so far and fall down
Don't let tyranny steal Liberty's crown

Shall we turn our other cheek
Let the strong dominate the weak
Or accept the poor wreck of man
I don't think that I can

I will defend your right to say
It cannot be another way
Show the world we can unite
Let us do what is right

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I am also worried that the radicals might push the rest of us into a second civil war. But on to the poem. I hope you don't mind me doing a cut and paste with some changes for you to consider :

As I walk across this land
fear and I walk hand-in-hand
What might our future life portend
Is Democracy about to end?
America and freedom

Should we just forget our fight
to see our way through this dark night
To come so far and then fall down
Don't let tyranny steal Liberty's crown
and the oppressed become

Shall we turn our other cheek
Letting the strong dominate the weak
Or accept the poor wreck of man.
I don't think that I can.
Let me hold your hand

I will defend your right to say
It cannot be another way
Show the world we can unite
Let us do what we know is right
This is where we make our stand

That wasn't Too bad I hope

your take on this and your adjustments are just fine except for the last line of the second stanza, I wanted to show that the oppressed come to America. Also trying to keep the scansion with the other lines. Thanks for the read anc comments. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Hi, Geezer,
As I read this, I see the Statue of Liberty. She is quite beautiful, as is our beloved country. Your rhyme pattern seems on target to me. Very nice poetry.
Thank you!
L

I appreciate your read and comments as always. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Didn't exactly post what I asked for . He did quatrains with the right pattern then added a fifth line that is a chain rhyme. But don't worry Geeze this won't affect your grade Too much lol

I got the idea that you wanted a fifth line that didn't rhyme with the others; anymore than the AABB scheme is difficult. I think that I may have confused the difficulty of the lines with the notion that the rhymes seemed forced. Maybe too many magic cookies? ~ Geez.
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author comment

If you mean the fifth lines in each stanza, it was deliberate that they rhyme with each other and not the rest of the lines in the stanza. The first and second and the third and fourth rhyme with each other. The way I understood the instructions, was to include a fifth line that did not rhyme with the other four. ~ Geez.
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author comment

The rhyme is very clear and it moves along like a march.

When I read the original, I didn't understand what you were trying to say with "the oppressed come." That line may be too unclear, which may be why Scribbler rewrote it with a different undderstanding.

Maybe "to whom (or for who) the oppressed come" might make its meaning clearer.

where you see an end-rhyme that is the same. ~ Geez.
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author comment

I see it now. Not sure that I could use another word there. Maybe Paw? Foot? Head? LoL
~ Geez.
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author comment

was not supposed to contain a fifth line anyway, I just deleted them. Problem solved! ~ Geez.
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author comment

Hello Geezer,
An honest and heartfelt poem on the current state of the nation, seen from within.

The rhyming is solid and I like how you mixed the scheme to keep things interesting and engaging. Very well thought out.

Just one line nags me-
Or accept the poor wreck of man - sounds a bit over-the-top, and supposes America is the sole seat of mankind.

The title suffices - I would go with something I've already mentioned.

cheers..................PJ

I don't know why I thought Scribbler wanted them. ~ Geez.
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author comment

That was something else, Mr. Geez guy - something else good.

"Shall we turn our other cheek
Let the strong dominate the weak
Or accept the poor wreck of man
I don't think that I can."

I can't either. Next to old Glory with you, Mr. Geez.

-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____

I love our country and what it is supposed to stand for. Sometimes, I think that the American people have it too easy; that we don't appreciate what we have. A lot of people don't vote and say that their vote doesn't count, so why should they bother?
I say that the politicians that we elect are our voice. If they do not say and do what we want them to, we should get rid of them! That's right, vote them out! If we vote them out when they don't meet our expectations and do the right thing, get rid of them! If we do that each and every time, from mayors, sheriffs, council members to Congressmen/women, and Presidents, we will get our message across! Sorry to go on a rant... ~ Geez.
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author comment

Good rant - good poem! Gotta say I agree, though I s'pose it's more in words for me. Not too pro-active. *laughs* Not like Thalassa.
And yep - if the peoples in Washington are just gonna use their power to get themselves more, and not represent the American people, well - they don't deserve to be in Washington. Not sure if there's anything we can do about it now, though . . . voting fraud and all that, seems pretty hopeless here on out.

-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____

the title of your poem is what attracted me to take a look. I love my country very much, too! the last four years were a torment to me.I voted against The Donald and I have no respect for that pampered liar. I am handicapped, and when I go out it is in a wheelchair. and I have always gone out to vote! except for this time, because of covid, I mailed in my ballot. I don't have any good things to say about people who cannot be bothered to vote and take part in our country's future.

your poem is very articulate and really stirs up the blood of any patriot. I much enjoyed reading this work of art, and read it to my husband, Steve. he liked it and enjoyed it too, said to tell you so! thanks for writing this.

*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

the people that fell for Trump's lies and obvious lack of concern for anyone other than himself. Or maybe I do. He gathered the disenfranchised and frustrated souls and united them together; by making them fear each other and promising to clean up the "swamp". Instead, he tried to make it all about him; he painted himself as a messiah and hung us all on the cross! I don't agree with all of the present administration's policies, but at least we have someone in that has the country's interest at heart!
Thank you to you and your husband for you read and comments. ~ Geez.
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Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
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author comment
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