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America Stands... [Rhyme Patterns Workshop]

As I walk across this land
I walk with fear hand-in-hand
What does our future life portend
Is Democracy about to end?

We should not forget our fight
To see our way through the night
To come so far and fall down
Don't let tyranny steal Liberty's crown

Shall we turn our other cheek
Let the strong dominate the weak
Or accept the poor wreck of man
I don't think that I can

I will defend your right to say
It cannot be another way
Show the world we can unite
Let us do what is right

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I am also worried that the radicals might push the rest of us into a second civil war. But on to the poem. I hope you don't mind me doing a cut and paste with some changes for you to consider :

As I walk across this land
fear and I walk hand-in-hand
What might our future life portend
Is Democracy about to end?
America and freedom

Should we just forget our fight
to see our way through this dark night
To come so far and then fall down
Don't let tyranny steal Liberty's crown
and the oppressed become

Shall we turn our other cheek
Letting the strong dominate the weak
Or accept the poor wreck of man.
I don't think that I can.
Let me hold your hand

I will defend your right to say
It cannot be another way
Show the world we can unite
Let us do what we know is right
This is where we make our stand

That wasn't Too bad I hope

your take on this and your adjustments are just fine except for the last line of the second stanza, I wanted to show that the oppressed come to America. Also trying to keep the scansion with the other lines. Thanks for the read anc comments. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Hi, Geezer,
As I read this, I see the Statue of Liberty. She is quite beautiful, as is our beloved country. Your rhyme pattern seems on target to me. Very nice poetry.
Thank you!
L

I appreciate your read and comments as always. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Didn't exactly post what I asked for . He did quatrains with the right pattern then added a fifth line that is a chain rhyme. But don't worry Geeze this won't affect your grade Too much lol

I got the idea that you wanted a fifth line that didn't rhyme with the others; anymore than the AABB scheme is difficult. I think that I may have confused the difficulty of the lines with the notion that the rhymes seemed forced. Maybe too many magic cookies? ~ Geez.
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If you mean the fifth lines in each stanza, it was deliberate that they rhyme with each other and not the rest of the lines in the stanza. The first and second and the third and fourth rhyme with each other. The way I understood the instructions, was to include a fifth line that did not rhyme with the other four. ~ Geez.
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author comment

The rhyme is very clear and it moves along like a march.

When I read the original, I didn't understand what you were trying to say with "the oppressed come." That line may be too unclear, which may be why Scribbler rewrote it with a different undderstanding.

Maybe "to whom (or for who) the oppressed come" might make its meaning clearer.

where you see an end-rhyme that is the same. ~ Geez.
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author comment

I see it now. Not sure that I could use another word there. Maybe Paw? Foot? Head? LoL
~ Geez.
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was not supposed to contain a fifth line anyway, I just deleted them. Problem solved! ~ Geez.
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Hello Geezer,
An honest and heartfelt poem on the current state of the nation, seen from within.

The rhyming is solid and I like how you mixed the scheme to keep things interesting and engaging. Very well thought out.

Just one line nags me-
Or accept the poor wreck of man - sounds a bit over-the-top, and supposes America is the sole seat of mankind.

The title suffices - I would go with something I've already mentioned.

cheers..................PJ

I don't know why I thought Scribbler wanted them. ~ Geez.
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