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America

America use to be wonderful all standing their all bright loud and proud and free this is the place I live in this was America to me for I stare at the ocean and there is america crying out to for it is sadly dying and it starts to cry in agony “for I am a place that had freedom a place that had peace a place that welcomed everyone with open arms for i was a place where a person could a person and they wouldn't be punished for being a person” for it was the countrie you died for it was the home of the free for it was the place of people who welcomed with other people glee it is the place honor who is dying for you and the people and i now cry in agony why would you kill America the home of liberty for you watch her dying crying in agony and you don't do nothing for you don't care for the people in this land of liberty why would to kill this country the land of the free peace honor liberty and the land of people why kill this heaven of honor and liberty for I now morne the current destruction of this heaven called America . I sail on the my grand star ship on the atlantic where I used to hear americas heavenly anthem of freedom and here the cheers of pride of oneself and others and I used to see the breath taking white lights reflecting onto the water the lights of peace and music of the world rejoicing over this wonderfull countrie that once meant freedom love for when I lived in this countrie I once had a grand pride for the magnificent countrie but over the years the light of pride now grows dimm for now the the one thing america cared most about was the people she gave the people everything America worked and slaved for them and what do they have to reflect their gratitude upon this countrie they show gratitued threw a long slow torture and this torture has many symptoms one of them being deforestation where the people get the blades and machines and slowly skin america alive depriving her of her breath taking enviorment of lucious green grass and raveshing red roses then next they kill the species for they come over and commit mass geonicide killing Americas life long friends for their in the time of enjoyment and throught that enjoyment they left a trail of dead animals blood and next they destroy americas peace by going phsycology insane and declaring war why would you destroy the peace that our ancestors died for. For now this proves the human race has lost its morality and humanity for you killed the peace in this glorious heaven why would turn this place of heaven into a disastrous hell for are ancestor strives and died for perfect land of peace and what do we do with that illustrious land of peace you destroy it you burn it to the ground you destroyed everything we worked hard for .for I was once proud of my country but now I can plainly see America is dying because of you and me.for I shall not let this happen for I am the man who still cares I sail to Americas doorstep and knock right at her door then she finally answers with her outstanding call you go into her mansion all rundown and breaking all around but in the middle I stair at her awe-inspiring face her eyes are like angles shining brightly in my mind her voice is soft tender like a sleep inducing symphony that never dies I then proudly say don't you fear any more dear for I am your protector the man who still cares for I will help build you back up nice and tall you shall be amongst the heavens where you belong where everyone can proudly see shining amongst the clouds a wondrous land of angels rejoicing in a song their outstanding voices echoing through out the sky a wonderful song of passion raises its arms and proclaims to the people you are now free free to live in harmony .for I now spread that song the song of brotherhood to every one I see I welcome them to America the wonderful land of the free for this my dream a wonderful world of brotherhood as happy as can be a wonderful world of everlasting peace for that is my dream for this is my dream for the wonderful land called America which I Wish to make true. For you might see my dream as a lost cause but I don't see it as a lost cause for I see it as a lifelong mission careening towards destruction for I know the reason I was here remind you degenerate scum of three words three magnificent words and those words are love thy neighbor. I shall proclaim to your ears cramming the words and the meaning of those words down your throats every of minute of every day until you finally understand and morph in to the extraordinary answer called brotherhood . and now you look at me with a dumb founded face and say “what is this thing you call brother hood and what good is it?” I’ll tell you brotherhood is brotherhood is respect brotherhood is kindness brotherhood is where everyone no longer sees each other as a threat but as a loved one for brotherhood is a place where there are no guns no banks no jails no laws for they don’t need any for they love one another they trust one another and every person they see no matter their gender no matter there physical appearance no matter their medical conditions no matter their belief and no matter their race they welcome them to their homes and family the welcome them into their lives and treat them like a family member and their is no need for money because they trust the person and doesn’t expect anything in return because they have no greed no envy for the people of brotherhood don’t have a scandalous nature for they for they live forever in peace and harmony. You see what I’m trying to say if only the people believed and strongly believed in the words love thy neighbor with a strong passion then it wouldn’t be like this we wouldn’t be in war right now if the people believed in that for it is our faults that America is dying and I try to come up up with a solution but once I come up with a solution you know what the people do they shove to the side into the back of their minds where the solution is destined to be forgotten if the people believed in this dream as strongly as I do we wouldn’t be in this condition but yet we are in this condition because their whole entire perspective is backwards for people take the lost cause and see them as the main points or the main idea if only they opened their eyes and saw the massive destruction they left on the world for now in me America and my dream is left to rot in a world of lunatics but hopefully those snakes you call people finally get a brain and make the world and America thrive again make it rise to the stars where it shines amongst the heavens for eternity.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Here is my work
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Explicit Content

Comments

...I'm a Chinaman.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I'm seeing this style around. Last edition of NY Review of Books had a work in similar style,
It is unreadable. Our eyes are not built to follow this, unless we study it with a ruler and magnifying glass as if it was a cuneiform tablet. Nor or we able to listen to a run-on sentence of a thousand words. So if you would like to be read, or share your ideas, this will not get you there. If you wish to impress yourself, you are the writer, your call.
We can't see art in the dark. We can't hear music that's so loud it hurts our ears. And we can't read or comprehend this.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

No but you can mentally visualize it this is a type of thing they use in writing it is called imagery

Hlm life without literature is a life without logic.

author comment

Listen today I’m in the hospital i had my third brain surgery of this year and i am fifteen and after the first brain surgery on Valentine’s Day I was admitted to the hospital and I I have one of those things where the ct scan said it was fine but it wasn’t I didn’t eat for 5 days and I didn’t sleep for 7 days and in those seven days it got worse I had constant pain I saw double the room was spinning heat flashes and throwing up so in those five days I was technically dying and all I did in those five days was stare at the ceiling as the double vision murgerd together and what I thought were the thoughts of me questioning my own existence and my own religion for I thought to myself god why do you let me live just to torture me mentally by leaving death such an enigma with an abundance of possibilities and a scarcity of answers And why do give eyes to see people living or ears to hear people singing And I look at them and cry knowing their going to die and one day I’m going to die for I can’t stand this mental torture twenty four Hours a day. For I want this mental torture to end I want to kill myself but I’m to scared with the result of death not death itself but what comes after death the unknown enigma So I still live three months later later it happened again I had another brain surgery and yesterday a week and a half after that one I had another brain surgery. And I’m not trying to impress myself why would I try to impress myself I’m just trying to write down poems and stories so my mind can find some clarity or trying to have something to be remembered before I lose the stressful game of life and enter th death for Life is like a fire oh it might look beautiful shining brightly but then it starts to hurt and burn but don’t worry just like a fire the flame of life will eventually burn out.

Hlm life without literature is a life without logic.

author comment

your story is so sad and compelling. I could not know your circumstances It drives me crazy when people write things that i cannot possibly read...it just seems so contrived, so trying to be cutting edge and cool,,,people do that. As if novelty is the reason to write, not substance,

Can't you just use the spacing tab, break it up, give us a chance to read it. Break it up somehow so it can be read.
Hope you can do that.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Hello young man, nice to meet you.

i like your voice and your ideas so i have just made a little edit on the first part of your work to see if you like it and ineed appreciate the help. Its always a good idea to pace your words so we the reader can digest them, so here goes, let me know if you like what i have done and over today i can probably help more.

America used to be wonderful, all standing there all bright loud and proud and free.
This is the place I live, this was America to me, I stare at the ocean and there is America crying out, it is sadly dying and it starts to cry in agony
“A place that had freedom, a place that had peace, a place that welcomed everyone with open arms”
It was a place where people could be themselves and they wouldn't be punished for it.

It was the country you died for, it was the home of the free for it was the place of people who welcomed Other people’s happiness, it is the place to honor those who are dying for you, and I now cry in agony why would you kill America?
The home of liberty, you watch her dying crying in agony and you don't do anything, you don't care for the people in this land of liberty.
Why would you kill this country? The land of the free peace honor liberty The land of people, why kill this heaven of honor and liberty? For now I mourn the current destruction of this heaven called America.

Thank you...Teddy

Thank and I hope you write down your thoughts so you can keep your sanity and I hope you don’t indulge yourself into these horrid acts of mass hysteria.

Hlm life without literature is a life without logic.

author comment

'The fairies break their dances
And leave the printed lawn,
and up from India glances
The silver sail of dawn.

The candles burn their sockets,
The blinds let through the day,
The young man feels his pockets
And wonders what's to pay.'

I did not write this Hayden, It was A.E. Housman. However I will write a piece for you and post it in the stream. I will leave you a link.

www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/soul-god-forgot

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Thank you

Hlm life without literature is a life without logic.

author comment
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