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Between the terror and the longing,
Lie tears and sighs.
Between the fear of losing ground,
And hanging onto my side.
There's an existential angst that
Cannot be denied
A mortal fear of losing grip -
Barely keeping me alive.

Review Request (Direction): 
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
If I may be so bold to even suggest it, at some subliminal kernel, the concept came to me from these sublime lines: "Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow" T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


acknowledge that you are inspired by another's work, it is a great compliment. [At least I think so]. I freely admit to picking up ideas from everywhere and everyone around me. You are not comparing yourself to T.S. Eliott, merely saying that you have gotten an idea from him. I think he would be pleased. I would delete the word [in] in the last line. ~ Geezer.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!

Well picked up on my typo. Thanks for the free card on Eliot too. Imitation is certainly the best form of flattery!
Appreciate your stopping by.

author comment

Hi Peggedit, it's fine to get inspired by famous poets. I love T.S. Elliot's The Wasteland. I've written one myself, inspired by him. The title and content of your poem is perfect. You bring across the feeling of angst and insecurity very well. My only nit is a few extra words, I'm always repeating this, so please take or toss. Below are my suggestions, Gracy

Between terror and longing,
Lie tears and sighs.
Between fear of losing ground,
hanging onto my side.
There's an existential angst,
cannot be denied.
A mortal fear of losing grip -
Barely keeping me alive.

"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Thanks so much for your encouragement and good editorial cutting!
Liked your version a whole lot!

author comment

It had so many heavy or loaded word concepts that to me it demands further exploring in a longer poem. This stanza invites me in... now I want to know all about it.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Just read:
"Nobody loses all the time" by ee cummings.
Given that you are a fan of his, I can see why you would want clarity through simplicity.
Would that I could. Or is that "Wish I may, wish I might"...
Something for me to bear in mind.
Thanks for the thumbs up!
Ps. Hard to flesh something out when you're subjectively immersed... Will come back to it when the whole experience is more settled.

author comment
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