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amateur uneducated poet

Submitted by the_fool on Wed, 2011-12-21 18:00

i am a pot-hole
for broken ankles
the words i print
are insane and meaningless
but flow from me they are
though, in a molasses thick trickle
mediocre, overthought
and underachieved
my handwriting is terrible
can this even be read?
will it ever be read?
the girl i love won’t write
the girl i love used to write
until she wrote
  “do not reply to this”
i write her no more
and that

was that.

so…

i will pour my brain
upon these pages
until all that i am
is a terrible book
that lives forever
like despots
or heroes
who only have
greatness
glory
or infamy
long after their
miserable lives
ended
tired
pathetic
and unpoetic

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2011-12-21 18:11

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Title...disappointed as title led me to think poem was about me lol
language was accurate
pacing...there were a few thought changes in mid verse which, for me, is a bit disconcerting in free verse
theme....a pretty universal one for poets I expect
beginning pulled me in and ending was to the point
no fault in internal logic
PS is not capitalizing I an intentional debasing of protagonist?.......................stan

Candlewitch

Fri, 2011-12-23 10:05

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I have to admit that I don't understand your title, as the poem seems to be writtenby aneducated person. I read through your poem twice, and came away with abetter understanding of the message (I hope)

Generally when speaking of yourself, in grammar, a capital I would be correct, but in poetry those rules are suspended. I, myself find the small "i" a little disconcerting.

I found great saddness and a loss of hope (regret) within your poem. Ialso liked the imagery within, and the feelings that your piece invoked in me are strong.

I enjoyed these lines:

the girl i love won’t write
the girl i love used to write
until she wrote
“do not reply to this”
i write her no more
and that

was that.

always, Cat

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

wesley snow

Fri, 2011-12-23 13:36

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Now all we need is a melody and an arrangement. I thought first of a marching band, but considering the subject I think we should go with kazoos. "but flow from me they are, though..." gave me a little trouble. Not sure if we have typos here or I just missed it, but again, considering the subject matter... the line is spot on.
A very good poem... for an amateur.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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the_fool

Sat, 2011-12-24 06:54

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it's suppoed to connect it to the next line
think of the though as a but! they flow from me, but in a trickle.
the lower-case represents a low self-esteem and follows thru most of my work, though i am trying to get away from writing about myself. it's a slippery slope.
this was my first piece. still proud of it.

nullus anxietas, y'all

author comment

Kailashana2

Sat, 2011-12-24 11:56

Come on when is something NOT something persona?. Even if we devise alter egos, stories or poems
in upper or lower case i's. to hide the fact.

I loved and hated this poem. That speaks to both my eyes.

~A

weirdelf

Sat, 2011-12-24 14:40

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and it took me a moment to realise it was not just another of Loved's pleadings for attention. Hands up near the chin, bobbing up and down in an excess of progesterone. And frankly, it doesn't get much better.

I wish I could offer more constructive critique, but this one is a tosser.

Be 'ware, be very ware of self-indulgent verse.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Sun, 2011-12-25 09:04

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Still, there are pitfalls to be avoided.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Seren

Sun, 2011-12-25 07:30

Seren's picture

its all been said before me but I have to disagree I rather like the title and felt it had another meaning ? I maybe wrong but thats what I took from it

I loved the poem and there are some standout lines ... I look forward to reading more thid felt different from your earlier work ...

Sorry for the short comments I am away from home and on my phone ...

Regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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