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Allegiance

owe allegiance to no one
nothing
no dogma, doctrine,
nor desperation's dare

from the silly to the savage,
all concoctions
slither through the sieve of truth
spreading toxic puddles of delusion
and despair

shallow encounters
deceive
immersion, soul suicide

abscond
walk alone the remaining miles
breathe, taste, shiver the excitement of fresh airs
return home
newborn
empty

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

sculling///
I remember the resistance rowing.. the babe pulling her
craft below mine..Point..

I have salvaged life
the junkyard dog
and pushed staves
away from the high tide
of shore

if one flies no flag
and bears no mark
then its a hard excursion

but can be done

newborn Empty
now there;s a dream

I like your poem
It reminds me of my fathers
who sat formost and front
and said little
and hauled their worth
in the traces

Glad you liked the poem.

not much more to say
I get tongue tied often when coresponding
funny how that is
I can write a poem that flows fairly evenly
but finding a clever or genial way to say thanks
is REALLY hard .

I'm stuck now
so
thanks again

Al

author comment

There is nothing in this world that can say I own you, there is only common sense to guide you along life's tracks.
We shall die alone, that some men make rules they are meant to guide the average person not enslave them.
Taxes to feed the wants of the rich, prices rigged to appease the hunger for more, private tariffs that only they can afford.
I worked for many years on their War machines at a rate of pay that kept me where I am today LOL.
I shan't go there as there are too many people in this world that are much worse off than I will ever be, my allegiance is now to myself, they are not going to bother how or where I am, or if ever I existed in their plan of their rich broken world.
Hey this sounds like Sunday lol, but all in all it is our own responsibility to be ourselves and go quietly.
Shall I shout at them whoever they are that they have failed humanity in their Greed, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

yes, allegiance to self...with no bitterness!

thanks for your thoughts. You certainly are prolific. keep it up ( I mean your chin, and writing )

Al

author comment

You could have entered it into the "Mindful and Memorable" workshop.

It has everything! Meaning, cynicism, bright hope and existential awareness.

You know I am someone who does not flatter. I consider this a major poem.

I only question the word 'aires' did you mean 'airs'?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I certainly appreciate your assessment of this piece. It is very gratifying.
I did not expect any response, beyond the normal range, from anyone.
you took me by surprise, but am extremely delighted.

as for "aires" I spotted it, but chose to leave it for no good reason., but now I don't like it and will change it.

an aside here: Both you and Judy caught only some of the spelling errors. I took that as a good sign, that the poem itself got your attention! (emmersion / immersion...breath / breathe)

regards,

Al

author comment

a really great philosophy
i love the finishing lines
'breath, taste, shiver the excitment of fresh aires (typos btw - excitement, airs)
return home
newborn
empty'

i do have one tiny problem, and it may be only just me, but i think the alliteration at the beginning (first two stanzas mainly) is just slightly overdone

just imho, i think these sort of poetic devices need to be unobtrusive for greater effect. it is like using too many puns or clichés in a write - too much of a good thing so so speak (((smiles))))

as i say tho al, it is wholly only my opinion

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for the wonderfully supportive comments.

this next part will take a little more time to sort out

I agree totally with your thoughs on alliteration on this piece, and in general.
BUT there is one big problem... It (alliteration) is the priming pump, the starting motor for my poetic mind.
It is part of my primary prossesing. I dare not pull on that thread. This does not mean I think all the alliteration is good, or cool, just that it IS.

I hope all other facets of my writng, including content, vision, clarity etc. are stong enough to dismiss this flaw as a personal idiosyncracy, and not disqualify me as a viable poet.
"complexity theory" warns of unintended consequences. and writing poetry is a very complex endeavor.

there are many analogous examples I could give , but I think, from what I have already said, you can catch my drift.
I'm sure you don't think I'm making this all up, or rationalizing....but if you do, I am not! (laughingoutloud)

Al

author comment
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