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(All for Her) Sweet Sugar Girl

Fruitful land, a great and central place
Origin, definite meaning, still remote
Thralldom alive and thumping in the unfocused heart
Her Vanquisher brings death and bondage, contagion and misery
She wants the City of Smoke, Anavah, portal to the treasure
Biding west
In this, her era of exploration, she learned and exposed your sweetness
She is wise to your worth and your wealth and beguiles and hooks the millions
She demands to amply maintain herself and her troop, her ivory chalky plaster powdered pale silver peaked affluent prosperous so-called friends
What did they all hunger and fawn for
Dusky acres of fossilized trees, dark and polished ornamental wood,
the crystallized minerals of volcanic glass, the town and the river called Jet...
The Empire keeps her loyalty, they will close their eyes for decades
Enabling her continued reign, riches
The rest of them, exhausted by exploit and blunder
will finally begin to stare

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Any educational direction will be appreciated - can I write a poem? Can I learn? Thanks in advance!
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


Your language use is very good, you have a nice command
of many descriptive words and that is a great start!
My suggestion is to name your protagonist and/or antagonist
so that people have an idea of who and where you are talking about.
If you name at least one of them; we, the readers have a chance of figuring out
the meaning of the poem; otherwise, it is just so many pretty words.
Ambiguosity is the death of many otherwise great works. If I do not know the
the meaning of a piece, it is not likely to make a big impression, and stay with me.

I suggest that you read some of the poems that have many comments and offers of critique
here on the site. Of course, there is much to be said about reading the classics
as afterall, they would not be classic if they were not read and remembered.
Pick the styles and subjects that you like and read a lot of them.
Trying to emulate them, is good practice and will give you a sense of how to and what to
write. I think that you will make a fine poet if you apply yourself. ~ Geezer.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Hi There!
Thanks for the advice - it is great to get some feed back...
I didn't think of that, the characters are so real to me, they seemed so obvious - I did not think to name them...oh my...
I will take your advice - I agree there is much I can learn...could you help me with that? Maybe throw me a poet and we could possibly discuss them/their work?
I am a Plath fan, if that helps?
Thanks either way!

author comment

you can write your arm off!!! I echo what Geezer said in his critique. wow! I want to read more of your work...glad that you are a neopoet member!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Sorry for the delay!
Thanks so much for the feedback and you will see more from me! I will be reading you too!
Work full time so I don't have the time I wish I did...
Love the name!

author comment
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