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AGUA SANGRIENTA -- BLOODY WATER [updated]

Submitted by Geremia on Tue, 2012-07-24 17:28

AGUA SANGRIENTA

Yo era passión y fuego
la sangre me corría caliente
en mis deseos.
Era tuyo.
Mas me dejaste caer
agua sangrienta
de tus manos

BLOODY WAT ER

I was passion and fire.
My blood ran hot
In my desires.
I was yours.
but you let me fall
bloody water.
from your hands

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-07-24 23:18

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(note I didn't say "from the heart", always a sign of crap poetry) you are superb.
I also love the two languages, good poetry in a language I don't know always works for me.

Brilliant, my friend. So good to see you exploring the range of content and not your impending death.

I have the temerity to suggest a powerful last line
'did it burn your hands?"

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Wed, 2012-07-25 01:57

Geremia's picture

Thanks, Jess, I feel more comfortsble n shorter poems. They all reflect a true-life experience.. You really had a great influence in helping me to write better poetry, my friiend .Sometimes, we have to see ourselves through another's eyes. I guess that is what critiquing is all about.

joe
I am considering your suggestion. I have something now similsr in mind..

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Ian.T

Wed, 2012-07-25 03:17

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This is much better and portrays another side to you which I prefer, here you explore and send out poetry as Jess say's it is top's..
I hope that you can now explore further with this great ability leaving the you in another plain somewhere, there is so much we need to read from your pen,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geremia

Wed, 2012-07-25 03:36

Geremia's picture

The art of dying is living--and so far it has been working

Jess is a talented humanist and skilled mentor.Anna, too, watched over my work. I am grateful to them both

And you, Ian, have been my mentor through my roughest moments.

STORY: yesterday I was listening to some 40's hits. I got up from my wheel chsir and "shook my booty" to that 40's jive--- zaroot, zareet / SEE MY BLOG

Good thing I was alone :).

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Ian.T

Wed, 2012-07-25 03:51

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The Art of Dying as you say is living, I kept an old notebook for many years it had written in it most of the 40's songs all written in pencil, when the words started fading I wrote over them in pen. I bet you would have loved to read it.
I kept that book for about 50-60 years as it had the calender for 1942 on the back and that was the year I was born.
A couple of years ago I found out that it belonged to my sister Edna , I had always thought it was my Sister Eileen's book and she had gone to Aussie land in 1949 so it was precious to me.
I gave the book to my Sister who left us two years ago, I can picture you there with those old songs living it up, You just enjoy things and know we are here always Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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