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Agitated Restlessness

An agitated restlessness fills me,
slowly, slowly, it gently kills me
I see the violence, I hear the cries
Why, oh, why
Do good things have to die?

They say at first there was darkness
then God filled the world with light
and that heaven is a real place
where there's no fear of night

They say we're made in God's image
They call us Humankind
They say we came to love the world
But we're mean, self-righteous, blind.

They say it's Satan whose a savage
With his evil eyes and unholy ways
They say he whispers in our ears
And to our deepest fears he plays

They say it's Satan whose responsible
For all the wrongs we do
But if we're like God
Does that mean he's a savage too?

This restlessness grows
heightened by the endless woes
My mouth yearns to speak
but up my throat does close

If I speak my mind
They'll look at me,
incredulously,
tell me to relax for a time.
An agitated restlessness fills me,
slowly, slowly, it gently kills me
I see the violence, I hear the cries
Why, oh, why
Do good things have to die?

We see all these things
We hear all this plights
Midnight bullets fling
broken hearts into empty night.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I wrote this poem about a year ago and I just recently found it. I'm actually quite proud of it because I didn't think I was capable of writing like that...until I got to the end of course and my poem (in my opinion) fell apart completely.
Editing stage: 

Comments

however, there are too many adjectives and adverbs. Some need to be there (i.e. 'slowly') but I think this poem would benefit from cutting them out completely and actually showing us through imagery.

The tricky thing with adverbs and adjectives is they tell something, don't show an image. Showing is through simile, metaphor, allusion and metonymy.

Now don't find me preachy here, everyone has issues with the balance between 'showing and telling', and the annoying part is one is not better than the other. It's finding the balance between the two that makes great images. I especially struggle with this.

One thing that is irking me is restlessness, I think using a simple synonym would solve this. The problem I think it that, 'restlessness' has so many syllables compared to the rest of the words in the poem. It just sounds out of place and distracts from the great flow you've got going. Some words I think of to replace 'restlessness; are: agitated, uneasy, unquiet, nervous or even anxious. Anyway I'll leave it up to you to find the right word.

With regards to beginning/ending is I think your poem peters out in the middle (i.e. the 'satan' stanzas). Remember you don't need to spoon-feed your audience. Here I'm going to redirect you to Hemmingway's Iceberg analogy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iceberg_Theory), Usually the most important things should have a presence in a work, not actual words that state it. Easier said than done I know :p! Let me also link you to Hemmingway's short story 'Hills Like White Elephants', this story is actually about abortion, but it is not mentioned once, and the audience can still pick up that that is it's key theme (http://www.hamiltoncps.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Hills-Like-White-E...). I'd link you a poem, but I think that short story is the best example of the theory.

Again, this is in no-way a bad poem, it just needs some tweaking to get the message and images you have already there, out.

Good work and I look forward to seeing your revisions!

Well-done:)!

I agree with virtually everything Michelle said. "Restlessness" is far too cumbersome. I'm not sure the poem peters out anywhere, but you need to determine that. I have two small suggestions not mentioned by Michelle.
The first is stanza six, last line. It is an inversion for the purpose of rhyme. Now, before you freak, I use them ALL the time, but the key to using an inversion is to make it appear as natural as possible. This one is strained. Naturally the line would read- "but my throat closes up." Of course this not only throws your rhyme out the window, but the meter as well. Here is one suggestion. I'm not crazy about it, but maybe it can lead you to a better. "but how my throat does close." This gives you the rhyme and it remains iambic trimeter.
The only other thought I have is capitalizing "Heaven". Since you capitalized "God, Humankind and Satan" I believe you're required to capitalize Heaven.
I like this poem. Not only is the subject a bit of a new twist, I think it's nicely laid out.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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