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"The Afternoon Rain"

It was cold
The scarlet-dyed sky
Dissolved in the grayness of rain
At that moment,
I began to love
The evanescence of such powerful color.
I have loved that moment.
I was a wandering soul
With a heart shut to silence.
I wanted to cry
But the sky cried for me.
The even emotion that flowed
Like a turbulent river under the bridge,
Condemned the reasons
And set free to the chained heart.
After such moment of pain,
There was a sudden silence -
Quite deafening that I wanted
To dissolve myself in darkness
After the rain
There was...emptiness...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Written Sept. 14, 2009 The first poem I posted on the old Neopoet :p
Editing stage: 

Comments

I loved you prior poem, but I can say I only like this one. Some of the phrasings to me break the barrier between the emotive and the sentimental, like

"I wanted to cry
But the sky cried for me.
The even emotion that flowed
Like a turbulent river under the bridge,
Condemned the reasons
And set free to the chained heart.
After such moment of pain,
There was a sudden silence -
Quite deafening that I wanted
To dissolve myself in darkness
After the rain

I see what you are saying here but I would say leave some time between occurrance and writing. The simplest way I can say it is that a bit of detachment adds an extra dimension so we readers are listening to a survivor, not a statistic. You have a wonderful command of the language. I can't wait to hear more from you.

Ron

t

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks a bunch. I was still a university student when I wrote the poem so I hadn't given much thought about the way I wrote it or even organized it. I'll take note of your advice!

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment

sure, some lovely imagery.

What does it say to your reader?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you!

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment
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